​Reflections on the 7-Day Chan Retreat with Venerable Guo Xing

I would first like to express my sincere gratitude to Venerable Guo Xing, Venerable Yan Jing, and everyone who helped organize this retreat. It was a deeply meaningful experience, and I am very thankful that I had the opportunity to participate.
 
Overall, the meditation period went relatively smoothly. Compared to previous retreats, my legs remained stable and were generally not in significant pain. I believe the yoga exercises that Venerable Yan Jing taught between meditation sessions were very helpful. I also found that the combination of cleaning work and walking meditation allowed the body to settle naturally into a stable meditation posture and made it easier to maintain concentration throughout the day.
 
Throughout the retreat I mainly practiced observing the breath together with the huatou. One thing I noticed this time was that I became much more able to sustain one-pointed attention beyond the formal sitting periods. The quality of concentration that developed during seated meditation gradually began to merge with daily activities. Since the retreat, I have continued trying to maintain this same focused awareness in ordinary life rather than limiting it to formal practice.
 
I also found the chanting and singing sessions to be very moving. During several of these sessions I became emotional and cried. It felt like a healthy release of emotions.
 
Since the retreat I have continued to avoid alcohol—which I had already largely given up beforehand—and have also maintained a mostly vegetarian diet. Only recently have I reintroduced a small amount of fish meat, and for now continuing to reflect on my diet.
 
One area where I feel my understanding has begun to deepen is emptiness. As the mind became quieter, I started observing more clearly that language itself is inherited. The concepts we use to describe ourselves are not owned by any individual person; they arise through causes and conditions. The identities we construct through language therefore also depend on many conditions and cannot exist independently. While I know this is only a beginning of understanding, reflecting on this has made the teaching of emptiness feel much more immediate and experiential.
 
This has also changed how I experience other people. Walking through the streets after the retreat, I often find myself recognizing that we are all engaged in similar streams of mental chatter that we so easily mistake for absolute truth about ourselves. This realization has made me feel more connected to others, more open, and happier to engage in conversation with all kinds of people. Interactions also feel lighter than before, as though words simply arise in response to words.
 
Another reflection that has continued to develop concerns the nature of identity itself. As I observe thoughts more carefully, it becomes increasingly clear that much of what I ordinarily call “myself” is built from inherited language, memories, habits, and countless conditions. Even many of the stories I tell myself about who I am seem to arise on their own rather than belonging to an independent self. This has made practice feel less like trying to become someone different and more like gradually seeing through these conditioned constructions.
 
One particularly memorable experience occurred on the fifth day of the retreat. During meditation my body began to feel as though it were dissolving. After the session I walked outside and was struck by the extraordinary beauty of the surroundings. It felt as though I had stepped into the same garden, yet somehow it was no longer the same garden—as if I had entered the same place with completely fresh eyes. Although I understand the importance of not attaching to special meditative experiences, this felt like an important reminder of a similar experience I first had during COVID in 2020, shortly before I encountered Dharma Drum Mountain and Buddhism.
 
Perception became remarkably vivid. Hearing simply happened, without effort. I could hear sounds from very far away with exceptional clarity while also noticing every small insect and bee moving through the garden. The tree standing in the center of the courtyard seemed to radiate a warm, gentle, and protective presence, as though I had briefly been welcomed into a paradise on earth. Everything felt extremely alive.
 
After this experience, and following another particularly deep meditation session on the sixth day, I experienced some fear about losing my sense of self. I also found it difficult to sleep because concentration remained so strong that my attention naturally continued following the breath even while trying to fall asleep. It felt as though the body was resting while awareness remained awake, which was initially unsettling.
Venerable Yan Jing kindly reassured me that during periods of intensive meditation the body often requires less sleep, and my interviews with Venerable Guo Xing were equally reassuring. Hearing that many meditators encounter similar experiences helped me understand that nothing unusual was happening and allowed me to relax and continue practicing.
 
Since returning home, I have established a daily practice consisting of one hour of seated meditation together with the Eight-Form Moving Meditation every day. The extraordinary clarity of perception has naturally become less intense over time, but I try not to cling to previous states. Instead, I simply accept whatever experience is present and continue returning to the method. I have come to appreciate that chasing special experiences only creates another form of attachment.
 
Another change I have noticed is a greater sensitivity to false speech. Whenever my words are not fully truthful or accurate, I now notice an immediate sense of bodily contraction. This has encouraged me to be much more careful about speaking honestly, as truthful speech seems closely connected to maintaining clarity and concentration.
 
Since the retreat I have also continued reflecting on how to integrate awareness into everyday life. Rather than trying to recreate moments of extraordinary clarity, I hope to gradually cultivate a stable practice that naturally expresses itself through ordinary activities, relationships, and work.
 
The retreat has also left me with many questions. Most importantly, how can I continue returning to the method without becoming attached to unusual experiences or ideas about progress? I look forward to continuing to learn through practice and under the guidance of my teachers.
 
Overall, I am deeply grateful to have completed this seven-day retreat. It has strengthened both my meditation practice and my confidence in the Dharma, while also bringing positive changes into my daily life. I am especially grateful for the kindness, guidance, and encouragement of Venerable Guo Xing and Venerable Yan Jing throughout the retreat.
 
Thank you again for inviting me to participate. I very much look forward to serving as a volunteer at the next seven-day Chan retreat this September at Dharma Drum Mountain in Taipei.

Written by Fedor Deichmann