Do Not Empower Wandering Thoughts by Seeing Them as Your Enemies

As a working professional with a 9-5, Monday to Friday schedule, I always want to find a way to continue my meditation and deepen my practice. I signed up for the one-day retreat at Dharma Drum Vancouver Centre scheduled for May 26^th, 2024, as soon as I saw the information posted on the website.

On the day of the retreat, before stepping into the center, I was pretty nervous. It had been a while since my last retreat. Negative thoughts such as, "I'm not practicing every day; how can I sit through the day?" and "I'm having lots of wandering thoughts which will definitely bother me, and I won't be able to sit well," filled my mind.

A day before the retreat, a senior volunteer asked if I could arrive earlier to help guide some new participants. I felt a bit burdened by this request.

Once I arrived at the centre, I put away my things in the changing room and collected my thoughts by holding my palms in front of my chest. I told myself I was getting into a meditative state and to just act like it.

There was only one new person whom I showed around to let her know where the washroom and changing room were. I soon entered the Chan hall and started my sitting meditation.

Venerable Chang Wu was our teacher this time. Her peaceful and soothing voice guided us through 8-form meditation. I was fully engaged in the moving meditation more than ever. I had never really relaxed during moving meditation in the past; however, this time, I truly felt my body relaxed.

My first sitting was not bad. I used the method of silent illumination to observe my body sensations and rising thoughts, watching them fade away. Perhaps because my body was really relaxed, I noticed that whenever my attention was driven away by thoughts, my breathing would become tense. I kept telling myself to "relax" and then brought my attention back to my breathing and body sensations. I believe I used my method diligently this time in the Chan hall, so each sitting didn't feel so long. During the eating meditation, I used the method to experience every bite.

During my work assignment, I realized that the work itself was not the most important thing; rather, it was about using the Chan meditation method while working. I maintained noble silence even when someone tried to ask me a question. I felt a little sorry for the person, but I really wanted to keep practicing at that time. So, I didn't say a word and only used simple hand gestures. Later, I went into the interview room and told the teacher I felt very relaxed and noticed the tension between my thoughts and breathing. She suggested that I not see wandering thoughts as enemies because doing so only empowers them. Instead, if we observe them without empowering them, these thoughts will eventually settle like dust in the air.

Her feedback was very useful to me, as I often have many things on my mind. I think the best lesson I learned from this retreat is not to respond to the external world with my emotions but with my awareness, allowing for better decisions and judgements.


Written by Gina Lin 2024.05.30
Photo: Dharma Drum Vancouver Centre