​Applying "Four Steps for Handling a Problem": There Is Pain But No Suffering

We cannot change the arising and ceasing of causes and conditions, since impermanence is the reality in the world. When causes and conditions for companionship perish, it is important to know what is good for one another and for all. As we accept the separation from our loved ones, we are turning the painful feeling into strength that keeps us moving forward.



Interview with Ven. Chang Ge (常格法師), Dean of Student Affairs for Nuns at Dharma Drum Sangha University (DDSU)

When people meet, they will eventually part. The world is full of changes as causes and conditions keep changing and transforming ceaselessly. Although Buddhism teaches us to detach ourselves from desire, this doesn't mean that we should be callous. Human beings are sentient, and it is only natural for us to have feelings.

Transforming the pain of separation into the aspiration to give

Master Sheng Yen once shared that when he was a young novice, his mother visited him at the monastery in the mountains. When his mother was about to leave, he felt sad and reluctant to part from his mother. Upon reflection, he then decided to transform such sadness into an aspiration to "dedicate this life given by my mother to the world" in order to repay her kindness. Another time, as Master Sheng Yen was interviewed by a radio station, the reporter mentioned a story in the Master's biography: when the Master revisited his original home, he shed tears before the tombstone of his parents. So, the reporter asked him, "How come a noble monk like you also sheds tears?" The Master replied, "I'm simply an ordinary person. Parents are parents. As soon as I saw their tombstone, all of a sudden my feelings for them welled up. Knowing that I had no way of repaying their kindness, how could I not shed tears?" Descriptions like this can be found in the Master's works, making me realize that in our lives hardly anybody can simply sever the emotional bonds developed from affectionate connections just like that. It is also essential that we accept our emotions as they are. The key point is that we can only choose to transform them in order not to let them get further entangled and attached to suffering.

Although it has been more than a decade since my ordination, I still cannot bear to face the aging, illness, and worries of my family members. I remember on the first day of a lunar year, my mother came to visit me at the monastery. She looked haggard, and all her hair and eyebrows had turned gray. As I inquired about her well-being, she told me in tears that she had a dizzy spell before the lunar New Year, feeling like the whole world was spinning around. Given that my father had to stay at home to look after their young grandson, she had no choice but to take a taxi to the emergency room all by herself. My mind was filled with sadness after knowing that my mother had to seek medical treatment on her own when she needed company the most. What's even more heartbreaking to me is I could not be constantly available for her after becoming a monastic.

I told myself that I must use my physical body given by my mother to practice great giving (dāna). However, this experience once again brought me to realize that, in Buddhist terms, there are three "beloved objects" sentient beings find hard to let go: family affection, romantic love, and friendship. Family affection, romantic love, and friendship may enrich our lives, but it is often painful and heartbreaking for parents and children, husband and wife, family members, and close friends to undergo separation in life or through death.

Facing sorrow and joy, separation and reunion with wisdom

When faced with the change and dissipation of a "beloved object," one will be overwhelmed with painful feelings. This is the truth of suffering. Everything is impermanent and constantly changing; this is the rule governing how the world operates, whether the Buddha had said so or not. Since this is the case, does it mean that we can never be freed from suffering? In fact, we can.

There is a commonly heard Buddhist statement: "Impermanence is suffering." This is because everything in the world is impermanent, as all phenomena keep arising and ceasing at all times, and flash by in the blink of an eye. For example, youth, health, wealth, and delight are all transient. Although there are joys and pleasures in life, they cannot remain permanent. Once they change, we will experience suffering and pain. The Buddhist word "suffering" is a translation from the Sanskrit word duḥkha (दुःख) or the Pali word dukkha, which means mental or physical pain and distress, as well as imperfection, impermanence, and incompleteness.

Every flow has its ebb. People experience joy and sorrow, separation and reunion. Although we cannot change the law of impermanence, the key to be free from suffering lies in how we face it. As we learn to respond to various situations in life with "wisdom" and "compassion," we'll be able to turn and set in motion the causes and conditions for freeing ourselves from suffering.

I once read a news report about a professor's wife who was a Buddhist. One day, she received a phone call informing her that her husband had been admitted to hospital, with a critical condition. On that day, while going out to buy breakfast, her husband was injured by a former prisoner who was a complete stranger. The perpetrator was drunk and attacked people randomly to vent his anger, having received rejections in his job searches after his release from prison. On her way to the hospital, she recited the Buddha's name silently and dedicated the merit to her husband. When she saw her husband at the hospital, she leaned down to his ear and whispered, "Darling, let's forgive him. If this is the karmic debt you owe him in a previous life, you will be free from it right now as you pay the debt. If not, then he was a bodhisattva who used death to raise public awareness that we should lend a helping hand to former prisoners." For her, it was unlikely not to have bitterness and resentment in her mind. However, in her belief, she only hoped her husband would go on his next journey without any attachments, instead of passing away in hatred.

On the day the autopsy was performed, the perpetrator was brought to the scene by the police to make a statement. He kept saying, "I didn't know..." The professor's wife did not resent him, but said, "How can I hate someone who didn't know what he was doing?" Her husband's student called her and asked in tears, "How can you forgive him? I still hate him so much." She replied, "He's been so miserable. His adoptive parents died when he was still young, and his adoptive sister refused to take him in. So how can we resent him?"

After her story was broadcast in the news, a person phoned her in response to her kindness. It turned out that this person's father had also been beaten to death over 40 years ago, and his mother had harbored resentment ever since then. After watching the news on TV of her choosing to forgive, he asked his mother, who was in her 80s, "At the time, we insisted on getting justice done, but what have we got? We did put the perpetrator in jail, but left no time for ourselves to heal the wounds. Now our whole family has to rely on medication prescribed by psychiatrists. Would it have been different if we had chosen to forgive in the first place?"

I never forgot the shock of reading this story. Many mishaps in life may be painful, but we can choose not to suffer. As the professor's wife wrote for her husband's funeral: "A passing family member is like a flying kite. If it gets caught by a line, the kite will keep struggling. So give our blessings to it, and let it go. Let the kite fly freely to where it should land." I believe this is a manifestation of her compassion, indicating that all sentient beings can leave suffering behind.

Open the umbrella of Four Steps for Handling a Problem

Many things in life are against our wishes. We can learn how to face the current causes and conditions, while accepting our emotions by being our own best companion, as well as channeling them whenever possible. Only by accompanying ourselves through painful emotions can we really deal with those feelings through our wholesome actions. In doing so, we can more likely transform the pain of grief and loss into letting go and cultivating blessings.

It is indeed difficult to undergo the separation from our loved ones. However, if we can practice the "Four Steps for Handling a Problem" proposed by Master Sheng Yen, which is "Facing it, accepting it, dealing with it, and letting it go," then we'll be able to open the umbrella of the "Four Steps for Handling a Problem" when the rain of suffering and pain is pouring incessantly in our mind. While being together with one another, we should cherish the companionship; when facing parting at death, simply let go gently and give our blessings.



Related articles:

From the Suffering of Separation from One's Likes to the Path of Awakening

Applying "Four Steps for Handling a Problem": There is Pain But No Suffering

Buddhist Legends: Removing the Thorn of Sorrow and Eradicating the Suffering of Separation from What One Likes

A Buddhist Legend about Paṭācārā: Walking toward True Liberation with Mindfulness

Interview with Ven. Yan Shi: Suffering Nourishes Life

Interview with Chiu Chih-ling: Real Love Is about Letting Go and Giving Blessings


Resource: Issue 476 of Humanity Magazine (April 2023), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Interview and original Chinese text: Chen Ting-chun (陳亭君)
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Chang Chia-cheng (張家誠)