Interview with Ven. Yan Shi: ​Suffering Nourishes Life

Traveling thousands of miles to become a Buddhist monk at Dharma Drum Mountain, Ven. Yan Shi, waved goodbye to his teaching position and the familiar face of his mother. In the course of his Buddhist practice, he learned to accept suffering, transform his attachment to self, and dissolve painful feelings. He realized that it is suffering that allows one to grow in life.

Interview with Ven. Yan Shi, student of Dharma Drum Sangha University

Walking into the Buddha Hall of Dharma Drum Sangha University, the monastic students are sitting on cushions, ready for the class. Among them, one Western face stood out. He is Ven. Yan Shi, who came from Russia to Taiwan.

Math as an aid to understanding the Buddha's teachings

Before becoming a Buddhist monk, Ven. Yan Shi was an associate professor of mathematics at a university. He had a passion for both mathematics and teaching. After coming into contact with Buddhism and meditation, he started to adopt different perspectives on life. "Math might not be an indispensable form of knowledge in life. Students don't need math much because most mathematical principles that they learn in school are not applicable in daily life. So they lack motivation to keep learning it. What I did seemed to solely serve my own interest and research. Buddhism, on the other hand, involves the essence of life. Its scope is much broader and wider."

After a five-day retreat, an idea to seek monastic renunciation was germinating in his mind. "Buddhism talks about the mind, which is pertinent to the essence of life. It is more complex than science and has richer dimensions." While learning or sharing Buddhist teachings, Ven. Yan Shi tried to use mathematical logic to deconstruct Buddhist teachings layer by layer, making the profound Buddhist terms clearer and easier to understand. Thus, the logical thinking required to understand mathematics served as an aid to his learning of Buddhadharma.

After becoming a monk, it was not easy to let go of the work of teaching and research that he had been engaging in for more than a decade. The Venerable recalled how, during his days as a Buddhist postulant, he had watched an online lecture on math for a short time, during which he felt at ease. He then realized that he still cared very much about mathematical research. "Leaving academia may be a kind of suffering. But it was a process. I have turned math into an aid to my learning of Buddhadharma, rather than abandon it altogether," said the Venerable. 

Hearing his mother's voice broke his heart into pieces

The Venerable recalled that, before becoming a monk, he didn't know how to explain to his family about Buddhist renunciation, worrying that his mother would oppose his idea. "I asked my mom to go for a walk and told her about my decision to seek Buddhist renunciation. I was worried that she would be angry or refuse. However, to my surprise, she simply said, 'I feel sad.' I didn't inquire further then because I had already made up my mind."

However, after being ordained, the suffering of separation arose. "I began to wonder how my mother had been. When I had a chance to have a video call with her, she would tell me that something at home had broke and I was not there to help her fix it. These words were like a knife cutting into my chest. It was painful. I wanted to care for her, but at the same time I was afraid that her words would cause my emotions and worries to arise."

The Venerable tried to give himself time to transform and clarify his self-blaming thoughts of "it was wrong to become a monk" and "it was wrong not to take care of my mother," both of which accompanied his mother's expectations. But he also knew that he became a monk in order to share the benefits of Buddhadharma with the public and to help more people. "Staying with my mom is not really helping her to leave suffering behind and attain happiness."

During his first year as a monk, the Venerable realized that his mother's image was covered by his own illusory worries, making it impossible for him to perceive her clearly as how she was. "Where did the knife that cut into my chest come from? It was my complex emotions and worries." As time passed, the Venerable held a few more phone calls with his mother. "The sadness in her voice seemed to ebb." The next year, his mother, who lives alone, changed. "She made some friends. My mother, who rarely went out alone, now begins to go shopping. She even bought a ticket to go on a solo trip. Without me, my mom still can do well."

When it's over, just let it go


The monastic life is enriching and filled with diligence. Ven. Yan Shi's tight schedule often caused his thoughts to race. He has developed a way to manage his time by practicing arranging things on his schedule to the right place where they are needed. If he gets too engaged in an activity, he tells himself to let go right away when the time is up. "It doesn't matter if there's still that 'little bit' left to do. This is because if there's always that little bit, it's going to affect what I should do next."

The Venerable recalled the process of helping with Dharma Drum Mountain's Awakening Camp. Because he enjoyed organizing the camp, he couldn't let go once he got involved in intricate matters about it. "I always wanted to do a little more." However, in order to take on other tasks, he knew that he must leave beloved objects at the right time. "Through the practice of 'letting things be' and 'letting things go,' each task in hand will become crystal clear."

Traveling abroad to follow the Buddha as a monk, Ven. Yan Shi, has remained true to his original intention of exploring life. While living in the campus of Dharma Drum Sangha University and taking up the monastic duties, he came to understand that suffering does indeed exist. However, through learning to face, understand, and transform painful feelings, Ven. Yan Shi's path of monastic life has become more firmly-planted and meaningful.



Related articles:

From the Suffering of Separation from One's Likes to the Path of Awakening

Applying "Four Steps for Handling a Problem": There is Pain But No Suffering

Buddhist Legends: Removing the Thorn of Sorrow and Eradicating the Suffering of Separation from What One Likes

A Buddhist Legend about Paṭācārā: Walking toward True Liberation with Mindfulness

Interview with Ven. Yan Shi: Suffering Nourishes Life

Interview with Chiu Chih-ling: Real Love Is about Letting Go and Giving Blessings



Resource: Issue 476 of Humanity Magazine (April 2023), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Original Chinese text: Chen Ting-chun (陳亭君)
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Christina, YKL