Interview with Chiu Chih-ling: ​Real Love Is about Letting Go and Giving Blessings

Chiu Chih-ling has accompanied countless patients and their families through the separation in life or at death. When facing the consecutive deaths of her loved ones, she realizes that, despite the grief, the last mile of one's life can still be filled with love and blessings.

Interview with Chiu Chih-ling (邱智鈴, supervisor of the Department of Nursing and Executive Secretary of Hospice-palliative Care of National Cheng Kung University Hospital)

On the final journey of life, everyone will board a one-way train. Serving in nursing and hospice care for more than 30 years, Chiu Chih-ling is like a station attendant, who cares for and accompanies countless patients while they set foot on their respective trains to the end of their lives. As their trains depart from the platform of life, she uses her expertise and tender compassion to soothe the bodies and minds of the families who come to bid farewell.


Every patient is a teacher of life education

Chiu is the first home care nurse of the National Cheng Kung University Hospital in Taiwan. After graduating from nursing school, she had served in the surgical and terminal cancer wards. The reason for her to dedicate years in home and hospice care is because of her personal experience with many poor and underserved families.

She recalled a case she served when she was young, which involved a grandpa and a grandma who lived in the mountains. In order to make a living, the grandma had to go out to do the farming. However, she must return home every two hours to help her spouse, who was paralyzed and bedridden after a stroke, to turn over and feed him. When Chiu visited them, she saw that one of the grandpa's arms, which was immobilized because of the stroke, had developed cyanosis due to compression. As she hurried to move his arm, she noticed a swarm of red ants crawling all over the diabetic grandfather's body, as they were attracted by his leaking urine. The scene was still vivid in her mind, making her decide to do her part to help the disadvantaged.
 
Since Taiwan had not developed a well-established long-term care system in the early days, those in particular who could not sustain themselves and lacked resources suffered deeply. She hopes to provide relief to patients and respite to caregivers through her expertise. She says, "What else can be done is to mend the relationships between the patient and their family members. At the end of a patient's life, if they and their family members can apologize, express appreciation and love, and bid farewell to each other, there will be less regret and more peace."
 
She recalled that many years ago, Mr. Chen, a man in his 50s with terminal intestinal cancer, was admitted to the hospice. Due to his work, he had been living separately from his wife and two daughters. His caregiver, Mrs. Chen, zipped in and out of the hospital every day. To celebrate Mr. Chen's birthday, his wife and the hospice team planned a birthday party, which was attended by many friends and relatives. Chiu, being good at cooking, prepared a pot of misua (wheat vermicelli, served on birthdays as symbols of longevity in Taiwanese culture) for the celebration. At the party, Mr. Chen's two daughters, who were both music students, played their father's favorite songs. In addition to expressing his gratitude and affection to his wife over the years, Mr. Chen finally confessed to his mother about his illness that he had been hiding from her. At that time, Mr. Chen's mother said with sobs, "I just want you to be free from pain. We'll meet again in another place," bringing tears to everyone's eyes.

In addition to caring for the patients in the ward through her expertise, Chiu also compassionately helped others to fulfill their wishes. Mr. Chen had been longing to go on a family trip, but his wish had been shelved due to many concerns. To realize his wish, Chiu and another nurse drove a car to look after Mr. Chen along their family trip. That night, the Chen family had a joyful time in a state of laughter. The next day, after returning to the hospital, Mr. Chen passed away peacefully in the evening. This last trip let Mrs. Chen and her two daughters gain more peace and less regret in their minds.

The end-of-life teachings from Chiu's mother-in-law

Chiu's continued commitment to nursing over the years has been made possible by the support of her family. Oftentimes, she returns home only to receive immediate requests for another visit. Her mother-in-law had always been a great support. "While you take care of the patients out there, I take care of our home. Go help those who need care with rapt attention." Deeply touched by her mother-in-law's words, Chiu committed herself more to her nursing role.

In 2013, after Chiu's father-in-law passed away at the age of 93, her own father died in early January next year. Although she is a medical professional, she is also a daughter of her parents. Having cared for so many patients, she had a rich experience with hospice care indeed. However, in the face of the death of her loved ones, she was as reluctant to let go and deeply saddened as any of the family members accompanying the patients in the hospital room.

Less than two years after Chiu's father-in-law's death, one day her mother-in-law suddenly lost her strength to walk, and her feet swelled up. It turned out that her mother-in-law's cervical cancer discovered 40 years ago was spreading, and she only agreed to have radiotherapy. With the swelling of her feet subsiding, she was able to move freely. However, it only took around four months from the recurrence of the cancer to her death.

Speaking of her mother-in-law's passing, Chiu had deep sentiments. She recalled that, two weeks before her death, her mother-in-law brought up that she wanted to try on the burial clothing. "She was so weak that I had to hold her while helping her put on the clothing. I felt a great sadness and wept. Seeing my tears, my mother-in-law said, "Silly of you, don't be sad. What comes will be gone. In every birth, there is death. It's just that now I am leaving before you, with content and happiness. Take good care of yourselves, and I will be relieved."

Having a peaceful end of life through acceptance, letting go, and blessings

Chiu's mother-in-law was illiterate. As a devout Buddhist who took refuge in the Three Jewels long ago, Chiu's mother-in-law had dedicated to the practice of reciting Amitabha's name, and was full of wisdom in dealing with people and matters. Chiu remembers that her mother-in-law always had a smile on her face even when she was about to pass away. Instead of ruminating about her own suffering, she was so content and positive that she expressed her thankfulness for and gratitude towards younger generations and those who came to visit her, in addition to extending her blessings to them. Her teachings of wisdom by example gave Chiu the courage to accept separation for what it is. "A few days before her passing, my mother-in-law bid farewell to each family member. In the end, everyone hugged her in tears while she was wishing us all well with a smile."

Chiu makes an analogy between passing away and traveling abroad, both requiring a "passport." "Being reborn in the Western Pure Land is also a kind of departure. Some hold the passport of 'stroke', 'cancer', or an 'accident' that let them depart from this world. This is the nature of life. However, if one passes away in pain and loneliness without proper care and peace at the end of their life, it will be a suffering for their family as well."

Although there is infinite grief at the loss of her loved ones, from her patients and her mother-in-law, Chiu learns the wisdom to face separation, and she transforms this grief into reciting the Buddha's name and giving blessings. "Let those departing this world leave with fulfillment without any attachments at the end of their life. Real love is about letting go. The impermanence as the essence of life is, like what my mother-in-law said, 'what comes will be gone; in every birth, there is death'."



Related articles:

From the Suffering of Separation from One's Likes to the Path of Awakening

Applying "Four Steps for Handling a Problem": There is Pain But No Suffering

Buddhist Legends: Removing the Thorn of Sorrow and Eradicating the Suffering of Separation from What One Likes

A Buddhist Legend about Paṭācārā: Walking toward True Liberation with Mindfulness

Interview with Ven. Yan Shi: Suffering Nourishes Life

Interview with Chiu Chih-ling: Real Love Is about Letting Go and Giving Blessings



Resource: Issue 476 of Humanity Magazine (April 2023), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Original Chinese text: Chen Ting-chun (陳亭君)
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, James, YKL