​Life Questions: Oh Love, What Should I Do with It? Answered by Ven. Chang Sui

"If I confess to him and get rejected, can we still be friends?" "You'll never know if you don't try." "But he only likes pretty girls. Oh, never mind..." "Then why not date Mr. A. He has had a crush on you for a long time, and he's a nice guy." "But I don't like him!" People long for a sweet romantic relationship, but it does not seem to be an easy task...
 
Interview with Ven. Chang Sui (常遂法師), Laity Education Department of Dharma Drum Mountain (DDM)
   
 

Q1: Does love involve responsibility? How to define responsibility in a romantic relationship?
 
A romantic relationship does involve responsibility. Being faithful to your partner is being responsible, as romantic love in its essence has a strong exclusivity. In a romantic relationship, the couple must be reluctant to share their lover with others. Anyone who has ever been in love would know this very well. You definitely are not happy if your lover says to others the same sweet talks they have said to you.
 
Once in love, it is natural to expect and require the other person to be faithful in the relationship. However, this does not mean that you can only date one person throughout your whole life. Unmarried couples have the opportunity and the right to end their relationship if they find each other incompatible. However, the premise is that they have tried their best to be responsible in the relationship. This means taking care of each other as best they can, listening to each other's needs, and taking their relationship seriously. If you are in a relationship, cherish it; if you fall out of love with your partner, be honest with them and don't hide anything from them! This is the responsible attitude towards love.
 
A romantic relationship does change. When you've made a serious effort and still find that your love for your partner has died, you can rationally end the relationship instead of continuing it in order to take advantage of your partner's dedication to this relationship. If you are not married, you have every right and freedom to start a new relationship; but if you are, you must keep your boundaries. This is the biggest difference between romance before and after marriage!
 
 
Q2: What should I do when I still like someone, but they do not love me anymore?
 
Romantic love is a feeling that cannot be forced, and a romance requires the right causes and conditions to come to fruition. Take the story of the Buddha and Yaśodharā as an example. The causes for the Buddha and Yaśodharā to become husband and wife could be traced back to the affinities that have developed during many of their previous lives. As stated in the Sutra of the Causes and Conditions that Have Never Been Spoken of (Adbhutadharmparyāya), in one of their previous life, the Buddha had asked Yaśodharā, who had been a flower girl then, to sell him flowers so that he could make flower offerings to Dipankara Buddha. Yaśodharā, in admiration of the Buddha, had asked him to marry her as the condition of selling flowers, and she had also promised not to hinder his spiritual cultivation. As a practitioner of bodhisattva path, the Buddha had agreed to her proposal. This story shows us that the arising and perishing of causes and conditions does not just exist in the present life, but extends beyond numerous lives. It is not necessarily a bad thing when a relationship cannot continue.
 
In addition, the Buddha appeared to be heartless by leaving Yaśodharā behind, but in fact, he was helping Yaśodharā to free herself from the suffering of samsara. Meanwhile, Yaśodharā also relied on her own efforts to step on the path to Buddhahood.
 
In fact, if we view the impermanence of various causes and conditions in a macro perspective, we can definitely see the meaningful trajectory of our romantic relationships in this life. Before becoming a monastic, I almost had a romantic relationship with someone. In retrospect, I am grateful that he was willing to let go. If I had started a family of four or five with him, it would not have been as meaningful as what I can do now – doing my best to contribute to all sentient beings as a member of the Sangha family. Therefore, if you can open your mind and practice observing the causes and conditions from a macro perspective, I believe that you will find that all the causes and conditions can be wonderful as long as you are earnestly dedicated in the relationship and remain honest with each other.
 
 
Q3: The Buddha left Yaśodharā in the end. Doesn't it imply that he was an irresponsible traitor of love?
 
A traitor of love means someone who abandons their sincere partner to pursue their own career and fame. On the contrary, the Buddha did not leave Yaśodharā for his own interest. Seeing all sentient beings suffering from all kinds of afflictions in samsara, the Buddha opted for renunciation in order to find a way for all sentient beings to attain a state where they are more likely to make their lives free and easy. Since the Buddha left Yaśodharā out of concern for all sentient beings, he was not a traitor of love in a worldly sense.
 
After attaining enlightenment, the Buddha was still concerned about his wife, Yaśodharā, so he returned to impart the Dharma to her, who then attained arhatship. The Buddha also ordained his son, Rāhula, and gave him the greatest gift of all: the Dharma. When the Buddha's father passed away, he also returned to carry his father's coffin, thereby fulfilling his duty as a son. In addition, he ascended to Trayastriṃsa Heaven to give Dharma talks to his mother.
 
The Buddha showed us how he took the responsibilities of romantic and family relationships. He seemed to leave them behind, but in fact he was still devoting himself to them in his way. All the sentient beings with whom the Buddha had karmic connections continued to uplift themselves because of the Buddha. The Buddha actually fulfilled his responsibility in this life as a son, a father, and a husband.
 
 
Q4: Are there boundaries in love? What terrible things could happen if boundaries are crossed?
 
The monastic community is cautious about the precepts regarding the interaction between the opposite sexes. For example, a monk and a nun are not allowed to stay one-on-one in the same room, and they are not allowed to talk to each other in dark corners. These are precautions to nip disturbance on the bud. Master Sheng Yen even stipulated that when giving a pen to a monk, we nuns must put it on the table to avoid touching each other. People might wonder what the point is for being so cautious. Oftentimes we may think, "It's not a big deal. We've known each other for a long time. I'm just listening to their complaints." However, that's how romantic feelings often develop. If the person you talk to has a romantic partner or is married, you really need to keep the moral boundaries in mind. People are able to perceive their own feelings. When you start to sense a flow of romantic feelings between you and another person, you have to be clear about your attitude. I think everyone knows exactly where the boundary of affection is.
 
If you want a healthy relationship, you need to let that person clearly know your relationship status, which might be "I already have a boyfriend," or "I'm ready to start a relationship." Let the other person know your relationship status; do not be ambiguous. This will help to prevent you from getting involved in a lot of unnecessary troubles. Always remember that everything we do is under the law of karmic causality. Polyamory is pernicious. As Buddhist scriptures illustrated, such a relationship is like the act of "licking honey from a razor blade," which leads to the risks of harming yourself.
 
 
Q5: Am I unfit for a romantic relationship?
 
No one is unfit for love. How do you determine that "I am not suitable for dancing" or "I am not suitable for playing piano"? Whether you are talented or not, you can acquire these abilities through learning. Relationship skills can also be learned. Moreover, through developing pertinent skills, our personality will become more mature and stable.
 
There is only one kind of person who is not suitable for romantic love: that is, those who expect their partner to fit into their own imagination. They do not respect the individuality of their partner. Instead, they simply impose their own imaginary and desired image on their partner. As they expect their partner to act in the way they want, their relationship can be emotionally draining for each other.
 
If you are in such a situation, it is recommended that you help yourself through meditation, which can help you clarify your thoughts, thereby becoming less likely to be led by your emotions. Once you are not carried away by your emotions, you truly are your own master. When you are able to be your own master, you will also be willing to let your partner be their own master while you interact. Furthermore, it will be easier for you to accept them as they are.
 
Compiled by Yang Ya-ying (楊雅穎) based on the interview.



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Resource: Issue 443 of Humanity Magazine (July 2020), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, James