Life Questions: Would You Be My Friend? Answered by Ven. Chang Chii

"We're good friends!" "Why did he misunderstand me?" "I hate cocky people!" While interacting with others, our mood fluctuates like a roller coaster. Are you tired of it? Let's quiet our minds so we can find our true selves.
 
Interview with Ven. Chang Chii (常啟法師), President of Academic Affairs of Dharma Drum Sangha University (DDSU)
   
 
 
Q1: I'm not attractive, and I'm concerned about what people think of me. I often feel inferior. How can I build up my self-confidence?
 
I had epilepsy as a child. In fourth grade elementary school, I had a seizure and collapsed in front of the whole class. I had been on medication for ten years before my sophomore year of college. As a result, I was unable to participate in any collision sports. Due to brain fog induced by the medication, I spent a lot of time sleeping and found it difficult to focus on my studies. Luckily, my classmates didn't bully me for this; instead, they pitied me. However, I just wanted to be treated equally rather than sympathized, which often made me feel inferior.
 
My Buddhist mother once told me, "Penguins won't compare themselves to birds that fly!" She also mentioned that academic grades are unimportant. With this in mind, I shifted my focus to other areas by learning music and joining music societies. I also quietly trained myself to become more perceptive. For example, I would observe and emulate the characteristics of my classmates who got along well with others.
 
When I think back to my junior high school days, I can't help but recollect images of a group of people having fun playing basketball, which is what I yearned to do. However, every time I tried to play basketball, I broke my glasses, which seemed to indicate that basketball is not for me. I gradually accepted myself for who I was, realizing that constantly breaking my glasses was not a good thing. If basketball wasn't an option, I could play badminton and table tennis or go swimming.
 
Feeling inferior isn't always a problem. What matters is whether we can better understand ourselves and recognize our strengths and weaknesses as we go through the process. When we stop comparing ourselves to others, we can discover our own distinctive abilities. In retrospect, my experience has made me more empathetic toward the underprivileged.
 
 
Q2: How to become a popular person? What should I do if others misunderstand or disagree with me?
 
When thinking or acting, a popular person always considers other people and the environment. They are also willing to help others. On the contrary, those who are too concerned with themselves often suffer from low self-esteem or, conversely, arrogance. . As a result, other people will naturally avoid them because dealing with them is often unpleasant. Therefore, the prerequisite for popularity is not only being able to see oneself but also being able to see the needs of others.
 
Buddhist precepts seem to be rather restrictive. However, by upholding the precepts, we can guard the gates of our sense faculties. This way, when we interact with others using our five faculties, we don't hurt ourselves or others, and can build up amicable relationships with others. For example, in terms of speech, we should refrain from false, divisive, harsh, or frivolous speech. These principles help us to speak appropriately as well as promote harmony with others. Even "not speaking" can be the best approach at times, because only when we stop talking can we listen attentively. This is why the Buddha always told his disciples, "Listen carefully! Listen carefully! Think about it thoroughly, and I will explain it to you," which emphasizes the importance of listening attentively and carefully.
 
Rāhula, the Buddha's son, demonstrated how guarding his own speech may improve his interpersonal relationships. As a child, Rāhula was mischievous and often lied. When Dharma seekers traveled far to see the Buddha in order to hear his Dharma talk, Rāhula would lie and tell them that the Buddha was far away, which would result in a pointless visit. One day, when Rāhula was cleaning the Buddha's feet, the Buddha used the opportunity to compare his son's defiled speech to the dirty foot-washing water. He also compared his son to an inverted basin that cannot hold water to the inability to absorb the Dharma. The Buddha then kicked the basin away, reprimanding Rāhula, "You're like this basin, and no one will cherish you!" In repentance, Rāhula changed himself to speak truthfully. Moreover, he started to constantly help others in secret without expecting anything in return. Therefore, he was later honored as the "Foremost in Esoteric Practices".
 
Nowadays, young people have their own ways of thinking, but they lack the ability to listen. When they are misunderstood or disagree with others, they tend to refute the other party from their own point of view. As a result, the purpose of communication cannot be achieved. When faced with such a situation, it is best that we remain silent and listen to others' points of view. Even if we find it difficult to follow the Buddha's example of silence in response, when we feel our point of view is reasonable, we can try to communicate it gently, as Master Sheng Yen suggested. This allows us to cultivate harmonious relationships with others.
 
 
Q3: Had the Buddha been bullied, too? How to deal with bullies and enemies?
 
The Buddha, who seemed to be liked by many, had also been rejected, ostracized, envied, and even bullied. After the Buddha attained enlightenment, the first person he tried to deliver was a practitioner of another religion who flatly rejected the Buddha's teachings because he thought they were not passed down from a master. The five bhikkhus (pañca bhiksavah) who followed the Buddha to practice austerity before his enlightenment ostracized him for some time, believing he had given up on spiritual cultivation. Despite this, the Buddha remained silent, while his majestic demeanor deeply inspired the five bhikkhus, resulting in the later formation of the Buddhist Sangha.
 
In ancient Indian society, the Buddha was considered a rebellious young man. He not only allowed outcastes to join the Sangha, but also ordained women who were the main labor force in the household, to become nuns. The Buddha's actions, which went against the social structure of the time, provoked great controversy. Throughout his life, there were many people who envied or bullied the Buddha. Among them, Devadatta was the most well-known. He not only established his own monastic group, but also tried to murder the Buddha in various ways, including hiring assassins and crushing him with rocks thrown from a great height. In an attempt to kill the Buddha by scratching him with poisoned nails, Devadatta unfortunately hurt himself and descended into hell.
 
How did the Buddha respond skillfully to bullies like Devadatta? The Buddha sometimes stated the facts and sometimes explained the causes and conditions. For example, when Devadatta demanded that the Sangha's leadership be transferred to him due to the Buddha's age, the Buddha directly replied that there is no such thing as a leader and that the Sangha is guided by the Dharma. When the Buddha's disciples stood out in his defense, the Buddha did not curse or blame Devadatta, but rather described his karmic relationship with Devadatta in previous lives, explaining the numerous phenomena that arise from the intricate karmic causes and conditions.
 
When dealing with arrogant or imperious people, we often focus on the unpleasantness of the situation, overlooking the origin of their arrogance, which could be a deep-seated inferiority complex, childhood trauma, or inadvertently pushed emotional buttons. Even if we can't see through all the causes and conditions, we can try to put ourselves in other people's shoes. If we can calmly observe the phenomena from other people's perspectives, our mental capacity will broaden and we will be able to empathize with others. Just like Devadatta, who helped the Buddha in attaining enlightenment life after life, perhaps the people troubling us are also Bodhisattvas spurring us to further improve our spiritual cultivation!
 
 
Q4: As a socially marginalized person, I don't want to follow the crowd but am seen as different. How can I bravely be myself?
 
According to the Buddhist scriptures, there was an outcaste named Nidhi, who worked as a dung picker. He smelled so bad that many passersby would throw stones at him. He was literally a socially marginalized person.
 
The Buddha not only approached Nidhi, an "untouchable" outcaste, but also took him for a bath, gave him Dharma talks, and delivered him. As the news spread, King Pasenadi became worried and went to visit the Buddha. When the King entered the monastery, he saw a dignified-looking monk with supernatural powers. The Buddha told the King that the monk before him was Nidhi. With his arrogance finally gone, King Pasenadi's mind was filled with respect and joy.
 
People should not underestimate themselves, regardless of their background, race, gender, or physical appearance, especially in today's society which embraces diversity and is more accepting of various appearances. In addition to viewing ourselves and others with equity, we should learn to respect, cherish, and love ourselves, as well as recognize the value of our own existence. The story of Bhikkhu Nidhi discovering his innate wisdom demonstrates that everyone has a potential to cultivate their spirituality.
 
The concept of "being myself" is not defined as "I can do whatever I want as long as I like it." Rather, it is about developing the inner strength that allows us to remain unaffected by ups and downs in any circumstances, unmoved by temptations, and unfazed by setbacks. With such strength, we can stay clear about our own direction while still being resilient and flexible, without neglecting our roles and responsibilities as community members. It is not that we should follow the crowd, but, rather, that we avoid becoming cynical while trying to be ourselves. If we can get along with others in a group, it will be easier to be ourselves.

Compiled by Chiang Yin-chih (江胤芝) based on the interview.



Related articles:

​​An Inquiry into Youthful Struggles Today

Life Questions: How Do You Define Success? Answered by Ven. Chang Ge

What Should We Look for in Life?

Life Questions: Where to Find Happiness either with or without Money? Answered by Ven. Chang Deng

​Life Questions: Oh Love, What Should I Do with It? Answered by Ven. Chang Sui

Life Questions: Would You Be My Friend? Answered by Ven. Chang Chii

​Don't look down upon young people!

Life Questions on Beauty Bonus: How Much Do Looks Matter? Answered by Ven. Yan Rou

Physical Beauty Is Impermanent


 
Resource: Issue 443 of Humanity Magazine (July 2020), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Ven. Yan Siang