Life Questions on Beauty Bonus: How Much Do Looks Matter? Answered by Ven. Yan Rou

"Some people are just born good-looking. It's so unfair!" "Tell me if I am gaining weight? Look closely!" "What should I wear for the gathering tomorrow?" Young people are used to measuring themselves against the social norm for beauty. Why do people care so much about their own appearance? And how do we embrace our perceived imperfections in terms of physical appearance?
 
Interview with Ven. Yan Rou (演柔法師), monastic advisor of Dharma Drum Mountain Young People Development Department
 

 
1. Is it human nature to be beauty-conscious? Is it superficial to be concerned about appearance?
 
The reason why people are concerned about appearance is because we seek affirmation and recognition, which is a human instinct for survival. When we were toddlers, we didn't have the notion of discrimination based on beauty. What we perceived was that if our parents showed affection in us, we got more attention and our needs were better met. As we grow up, we become more and more used to seeking affirmations. For example, when a three- or four-year-old girl puts on a dress and a bow, hearing people around her clap their hands and make complimentary comments such as, "Wow, you look pretty!" she will learn "Oh! People think this is beautiful." On the other hand, if she wears a sweatshirt and shorts, and people react in the same way, she will think wearing such an outfit looks beautiful, too.
 
It may be human nature to seek beauty, but if you are too concerned about your appearance and become picky about your physical looks, then no matter how perfect they are you will never be satisfied. In that case, the pursuit of beauty will in turn become a pursuit of suffering!
 
On the contrary, if some scruffy-looking person says that they are not concerned about their looks, while criticizing and judging those who have no interest in associating with them as superficial people who undervalue their inner beauty, then this person is not being honest with themselves, either.
 
Our inferiority complex or, conversely, arrogance often stems from the lack of self-confidence, creating a sense of distance from others, and thus making us tend to feel lonely and not at ease in a group setting. In order to overcome these feelings, we seek social connections, and again, become more concerned about what other people think of us as we seek affirmation from others. However, as a result, this only makes our mind fall into the vicious circle of worrying about personal gain and loss.
 
This is because we fail to identify the fundamental problem: we are distant from our minds, and we are always seeking external things.
 
 
2. Why do human faces look so different? What if I was born unattractive?
 
It is said that one's appearance in this life reflects the karmic rewards and retributions of one's past lives. For example, as illustrated by The Legend of the Boy Named Deformed (Virūpa) in A Hundred Legends of Past Lives (Avadānaśataka), it is said that a child was born unsightly. Why was that? That was because he had tried to frighten others in a past life. As a result, he received the karmic retribution of being deformed in this life. Since we are unable to know the exact karmic causes in our past lives that shape our physical appearance in this life, how do we cope with it if we are unhappy with our own appearance in this life?
 
Ever since I was a child, the people I liked were not necessarily good-looking while the people I disliked were not necessarily ugly. While attractive appearance may indeed be a plus, if a gorgeous or handsome person always wears a poker face and is indifferent to others, people would be less likely to want to approach that person over time. In addition, a person's personality, character, and insights are also factors that make them charming, outweighing their appearance.
 
How do we accept our physical appearance as it is? In fact, if we can accept our appearance, we can take our right to be happy back into our own hands, without being conditioned by other people's opinions. For example, in the pursuit of a conceived ideal appearance, a person with an endomorphic body type may choose to eat only one meal a day. This would lead the person to compromise their own health and cause them to have a depressed mood and make them look terrible. Moreover, they may imperceptibly transfer their unhappiness to others, making people around them feel uneasy.
 
On the contrary, if that person can accept themselves, not only can they be more at ease, but they can also rediscover their own value and regain inner balance by finding a position suitable for themselves. Maybe there will still be people calling the chubby person fat, but this person won't feel upset anymore. Such ease in mind enables them to not only accept their chubby body type but also the slim body type of others without feeling jealous and envious. As people find them easy and comfortable to get along with, they themselves will feel joyful as well.
 
 
3. Should physical disabilities be considered as imperfections?
 
I once met an almost totally blind young man with congenital amblyopia. At the time he was already working at a renowned university and was planning to pursue further education in order to obtain a teaching position. He told me that he didn't want people to think that the visually challenged could only do massage therapist jobs. He believed he could decide his own path in life.
 
He told me that many people who are born with severe amblyopia like him could not live to his age. This is because visually challenged people encounter a lot of inconveniences and dangers in their lives. Studying and pursuing higher education is certainly even more challenging for them. Nevertheless, he completed a double major at university and eventually got a master's degree. In view of these, I can imagine how hard he must have worked along the way.
 
He told me, "Many people say that my blindness stems from my 'heavy karmic hindrances,' telling me to repent more. Venerable, what do you think of me?" At that moment, all I could think was, "What kind of a transcendent soul, with such a kind and clear mind, as I'm witnessing, that enables him to still remain gentle and considerate after all the trials and tribulations he has been through?" No matter what he has undergone, I know that he has turned it all into the provisions to benefit sentient beings. He would become a good teacher, to help spiritually lost children cultivate firm inner strength.
 
Instead of seeing what he experienced in his current life as a result caused by his past karma, I prefer to think that, in every phase of his life, he was always trying to reverse the effects to create a positive cause for the future. He is not only an honorable brave man but also the embodiment of truth, goodness, and beauty!
 
 
4. I'm overweight and I can't accept my body size. What can I do?
 
In the Buddha's time, King Pasenadi of Kosala was a lay disciple of the Buddha. One day, King Pasenadi found that he could not even bow to the Buddha due to obesity. Out of concern for King Pasenadi's health, the Buddha shared with the King five reasons why people gain weight: first, having too many meals per day; second, sleeping too much and being lazy; third, being arrogant and overbearing, always ordering others to do things for them; fourth, being mindless and not thinking things thoroughly; and fifth, being idle and unwilling to get their hands dirty. Feeling ashamed, the King knew that his lifestyle indeed fit into what had been mentioned – eating throughout the day, dozing off when there is nothing to do, being haughty and overbearing, not thinking seriously about national affairs, and not bothering to go on inspection tours. After returning, the King changed his lifestyle and gradually lost weight. The next time King Pasenadi visited the Buddha, he was able to gracefully prostrate to the Buddha.
 
In fact, the Buddha was teaching the King about the importance of "being diligent." And to stay in "consistent moderation" is actually to be diligent. For instance, it may be easy for us to eat in moderation for just one or two meals, but it can become challenging to do so throughout the year. Just as there are ways to lose weight, the Buddha also shared five ways to adjust our daily routines. However, consistency is the key to losing weight and avoiding weight regain.
 
Compiled by He shiau-chi (何筱淇) based on the interview.



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Resource: Issue 443 of Humanity Magazine (July 2020), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Chang Chia-cheng (張家誠)