Forgiveness: Protecting the Spiritual Environment by Cleansing the Poison of Aversion

Being attentive to health, people nowadays consciously detoxify their bodies. But what about the three mental poisons of greed, aversion, and ignorance? Do we hold grudges after being harmed, thereby disturbing our own peace of mind as well as that of those around us? Forgiveness is one way to heal and cleanse the poison of aversion. As our mental health improves, favorable conditions for wholesome relationships will naturally follow.


Original Chinese text by editorial team of Humanity Magazine

Shortness of breath, increased blood pressure, exchanges of harsh words, and physical actions to fight back—are these your Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) when offended by others?

Mild-tempered people might not choose to retaliate. Instead, they may hold grudges and experience self-pity, becoming distant and indifferent to others. Those who cannot hold back their anger will turn it into actions, fighting back with words or deeds. If they harm others while retaliating, some may find it difficult to break free from the cycle of self-blame, becoming more closed-minded as they repeatedly suppress themselves, with hearts full of struggle and pain. Without the wisdom to transform these poisons that harm our mental well-being, these emotional afflictions can be hard to remove. 

Feeling Emotionally Drained by Associating with What We Dislike In fact, frictions, conflicts, and even maltreatment are common in families, schools, workplaces, and societies. In his book Forgive and Let Go, to Form and Live in Favorable Conditions (原諒，好緣亮), Ven. Guo Dong (果東法師), former Abbot President of Dharma Drum Mountain – who often consoles devotees in the reception room – specifically points out the suffering of being associated with what we dislike, because the more intimate a relationship is, the more likely we are to encounter friction within it. 

Family of origin is often the starting point of many conflicts. Family members might become distant from and even break with one another due to "parental partiality," child negligence, or domestic violence. For couples, extramarital affairs can cause unbearable pain. Even if the unfaithful partner apologizes and repents, the relationship might not be restored to how it used to be, since the betrayal has harmed the other person's self-worth.

In the workplace, co-workers cooperate yet compete with one another. To gain power, status, and fortune, people often prioritize their own interests. This mentality is even more pronounced in business competition. To gain profit, enterprises use whatever methods they can to outperform their opponents, and it is unavoidable to see underhanded tactics being applied. 

Cultivate Blessings and Wisdom amidst Adversity

Illustrator: Liou Jian-jr (劉建志)
"Dealing with people we dislike does not necessarily lead to bitter enmity. Instead, it can serve as a great opportunity for us to cultivate blessings and wisdom." Ven. Guo Dong believes that the best way to cope with situations that may harm us is not to fight back immediately. Instead, we can practice "thinking positively and approaching things from a different angle" by asking ourselves: "How does this help in my self-cultivation? What inspirations can I draw from this?" rather than reacting with negative emotions.

Malala Yousafzai, the youngest laureate of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize from Pakistan, is a good example. She was nearly shot to death by a Taliban terrorist on her way back from school for advocating for female's right to education. At the Nobel Prize award ceremony, she remarked: "I don't want revenge on the Taliban. I want education for the sons and daughters of the Taliban." It is her empathy that makes forgiveness possible. 

Ven. Guo Dong pointed out that "With empathy, perhaps there is nothing to forgive, only sentient beings who need loving care." It takes myriad causes and conditions for a person to make a mistake. In addition to using empathy to reflect on what factors lead to such a result, we should provide emotional support with the faith that people can turn over a new leaf, and their future is still full of hope. This is how Malala's bravery and strength have drawn people's attention to the issue of nearly six million out-of-school children and youth, garnering support for her vision that "one child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world."

Forgiveness is One's Own Task

Real forgiveness is not easy. Some people view forgiveness as foolish, seeing it as indulging wrongdoing by surrendering to the offenders. In fact, forgiveness is not the same as blind compassion. We must clearly and fully express our standpoint and feelings to prevent others from taking our forgiveness for granted and thus repeating their mistakes.

As Janis Spring and Michael Spring share in their book How Can I Forgive You, forgiving the offender does not mean their misdeed 'isn't that bad.' Instead, it is a chance to convey our hurtful feelings by expressing our firm standpoint: "you have crossed the line." If the offender is willing to admit their fault and sincerely apologize, both parties can embark on a journey toward recovery. 

There are people who, out of a strong moral sense or fear of spoiling a relationship, force themselves to forgive others too quickly. However, this is not real forgiveness but rather superficial peace that leaves internal wounds untreated. As counseling psychologist Su Shiuan-huei (蘇絢慧) analyzed, "Forgiving is not about healing the other's wound, but about revealing, accepting, and affirming our inner self." The ultimate goal of forgiveness is to reconcile with ourselves. It can be a repeated process, and it might take longer for us to recover if the misdeed harms our self-worth. 

Hsu Yang-chu (許洋主), the Director of the Yathābhūta Research Center (如實佛學研究室), pointed out that if a person finds it hard to let go of hatred and forgive the offender, and instead decides to give them a taste of their own medicine, this is neither a fair resolution for both sides, nor a way to achieve justice. Taking revenge  out of hatred only makes the vengeful victim as evil and despicable as the offender. 

Let Go of Attachment to the Self to Foster Wholesome Relationships From resentment to forgiveness, it can be a process to examine our own spiritual cultivation. In Buddhist teachings, entrenched attachment to the self is the reason people cannot forgive those who hurt them. The key to forgiveness lies in eradicating this attachment. Resentful and revengeful actions are motivated by afflictions such as aversion, anger, hatred, hostility, and vexation. It takes the cultivation of virtuous mental factors (caitasika) – such as loving-kindness, compassion, wisdom, diligence, conscience, and a sense of shame – to achieve the virtuous action of forgiving offenders. Such actions imply that we are able to progress smoothly on the bodhisattva path. 

Only by diminishing aversion can we initiate wholesome interpersonal relationships. By letting go of the duality between self and others, and reducing resentment or hatred, we can nurture peace, well-being, joy, and happiness, and further cultivate compassion and wisdom.

Among the 108 Adages of Wisdom by Master Sheng Yen, there is a quote that says: "Gratitude nurtures meritorious blessings for a lifetime, while resentment forms obstructions that linger forever." Life is the sum of a string of causes and conditions. Perhaps we are not clearly aware of what we have done in the past, but what we can do now is avoid repeating the causes of suffering. In the face of adversity, remember to use methods for protecting the spiritual environment to maintain inner peace and balance. When we view things from different angles with gratitude and empathy, we not only avoid recreating negative karma that leads to interpersonal entanglements of emotions, but also perceive the opportunity to establish wholesome relationships. Smart as you are, which approach would you choose?


 


Resource: Issue 379 of Humanity Magazine (March 2015), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Ven. Yan Siang (演香法師)
Illustrator: Liou Jian-jr (劉建志), ​Su Li-ka (蘇力卡)