[Cases Studies] Using Wisdom to Turn Things Around
Forgiveness Brings Forth the Light of Wholesome Relationships

Everyone has been harmed by others, whether intentionally or not. Sometimes, it is just minor friction, while other times, it leaves physical and mental trauma. It is commonly believed that our wounds will heal as long as the other party changes and apologizes. However, true healing actually begins when we take the initiative to change our perspectives, allowing ourselves to move forward in life. When painful situations arise, how can we use wisdom to shift our perspectives, letting go of resentment and enmity to cultivate wholesome interpersonal relationships time and again? 


Original Chinese text by Ven. Guo Dong (果東法師)


Scenario 1: A Day Full of Humiliation
  "What a useless fat blob you are!" "How can you be this stupid?" During a meeting, a person repeatedly humiliated me, trampling on my dignity. The anger that arises leads to significant physical discomfort. However, given the fact that I often run into this person, I am worried that I will lose my temper. How can I cope with this?

There are two possible scenarios when facing public humiliation: one is that someone is at fault, and the other party is being unforgiving, openly condemning them. The other possibility is when someone has been wrongly accused, and the other party, misled by rumors, rebukes the wronged person without knowing the facts.

Whichever scenario we encounter, it is best that we correct our mistakes or strive to avoid making them. Also, we can take it as an opportunity to cultivate forbearance (kṣānti).

However, while trying to stand their ground, people are prone to let their thoughts and emotions fluctuate with external phenomena, sometimes even leading to anger and resentment. How can we resolve our anger? We can start by becoming aware of our physical and mental experience. Reactions such as mood swings and unsmooth breathing often indicate an imbalance in our body and mind. There are also situations where people become agitated due to their own mistakes, but they pretend to act in an assured and dominant way. Their body and mind will thereby tense up, which can then lead to physical and mental strain, and for some people, even panic attacks.

The cultivation of awareness starts from observing changes in our breath and emotions through the process of experiencing our physical and mental discomfort. Then, we can adjust our breathing by taking a few deep breaths to let our qi settle down and stabilize. When we say that someone has steady demeanor, it refers to a state of emotional stability.

An Unmoving Mind to Extinguish the Fire of Aversion

"A thought of aversion bursts the forest of merit into flames." Among all negative emotions, hatred is the most detrimental one. It not only makes people lose their sanity easily and hold grudges against one another due to rivalry and conflicts, but also deepens resentment and disrupts inner balance.

Master Sheng Yen had also been accused by others, and he would gently respond, "Oh, is that so?" or "What is going on? Would you like to share?" This is Chan in practice, in which one simply observes and listens without comparing, describing, or judging. Only by perceiving things as they are can we approach reality.

In the face of reprimand and public humiliation, we can avoid reacting with negative emotions by changing our perspective and taking what we encounter as disguised opportunities for growth by asking ourselves, "How does this help in my self-cultivation?" and "What inspirations can I draw from this?" Only by diminishing aversion can we initiate wholesome interpersonal relationships. By letting go of the duality between self and others and reducing resentment or hatred, we can nurture peace, well-being, joy, and happiness, and further cultivate compassion and wisdom. This embodies the spirit of "resolving past karma through present conditions and cultivating blessings and wisdom by cherishing interpersonal connections."

Compiled by Chen Huei-rung (陳慧蓉) based on the interview with Ven. Guo Dong


Scenario 2: Family Hurts Me the Most

People often say that home is our safe haven, but the last thing I want to do is to return home, a place full of anger, distress, and conflicts. I worked hard to build my own family, only to realize that I am repeating the same behavioral patterns as my parents. I don't want my children to grow up in a similar environment. What can I do to break this cycle?

People usually assume that the hardest people to forgive are our enemies, opponents, or criminals. To some people, however, it is their very own parents or family members—those to whom they are closest yet have caused the deepest wounds--that are the most difficult to forgive.

There is a female performer, renowned for her talents in drama, who was raised in a single-parent household. Because her mother bore heavy burdens in life and gave her a strict upbringing, she has developed an intense sense of self-discipline and tends to seek perfection. Such personality traits led to high viewer ratings, good interpersonal relationships, and recognition through various acting awards. However, just as she reached the peak of her career, she fell ill. During her convalescence, she reflected on her life and realized that she has never truly allowed herself to relax, and her mother's love and expectations have become a source of unbearable stress.

Family of Origin as a Source of Uniqueness of Life

Illustrator: ​Su Li-ka (蘇力卡)
On the journey of self-actualization, many people are just like this performer in the story. When faced with an imbalance of the body and mind, or interpersonal rivalry and conflicts, people reflect on their lives with a realization that the root cause of their behavioral patterns stems from their family of origin. A person's upbringing and experience with their family of origin play a key role in shaping their values and personality, often leaving a lifelong impact. Negative experiences – such as parental favoritism, indifference, excessive strictness, disharmony, or divorce – can inflict deep yet invisible wounds on a child as they are still emotionally immature.

The performer, who discovered the cause of her stress during her illness, finally untangled herself from the emotional strains after honestly sharing with her mother the truth about her prolonged physical and mental stress. Kind-hearted as she is, she felt sorry for her mother's hard work in taking care of the family. However, she also admitted that she once held a grudge against her mother due to her strict parenting. By confronting the source of disharmony in her body and mind, she started to learn to relax, let go of her insistence on perfection, and stopped pressuring herself to meet external expectations or seek affirmation. Even when her long-absent father reentered her life, she was capable of changing her mindset from feeling resentment to acceptance and took the initiative to show kindness.

(Excerpted from Family Hurts Me the Most in the book Forgive and Let Go, to Form and Live in Favorable Conditions)


Scenario 3: The Betrayal of a Co-partner

The judicial system delivered justice by imposing due punishment on the person who plundered my hard-earned fruit of work. However, despite my victory in court, I still feel down. Whenever I recall their betrayal, I get irritated. Why?

In diverse and competitive commercial environments, entrepreneurs have interdependent relationships with their co-partners. The betrayal of a co-partner can not only cause operational difficulties for a company, but also severely impact the other party's trust in people.

The Lack of Self-reflection

There was an entrepreneur who engaged in international trade. He once started a business with his friend. After a while, his friend decided to dissolve their partnership and start his own business, taking a portion of their clients with him. In the face of losing a co-partner and clients, the entrepreneur's company was in a difficult situation. However, what troubled him the most was his ensuing mistrust in people.

In such a crisis that tested both human nature and the operation of his company, he had to deal with challenges from both external circumstances and his own inner bitterness. His way to cope was as usual–reciting the Cundi Mantra to concentrate and train his mind. One day, he realized that he had never reflected on himself but had instead put all the blame on his friend. There were indeed ambiguities in their contracts when they started the business, which caused his friend to have doubts and misunderstandings towards him, and he had failed to recognize this back then. With such realization, the negative emotions in his mind, such as bitterness, grudges, and anger, suddenly dissolved completely.

As he could finally get over it, he ended up feeling grateful for the twists and turns that his career crisis brought him. After all, losing profit is just a temporary loss, whereas adjusting his perspective on life and his approach to running a business would have a lasting and profound impact.

Every Crisis Has a Silver Lining
  Besides applying the "Four Steps for Handling a Problem" – that is, to face, accept, deal with, and let go of the issue – we can adopt this entrepreneur's way of coping when facing life's difficulties and setbacks: that is, to settle and calm our scattered thoughts by applying our regular practice to attain concentration and peace of mind.

Buddhist teachings emphasize humility and the practice of repentance. Humility means having the conscience to recognize our faults of failing to do our best when we could, as well as having a sense of shame knowing that we have wronged others or that we are hesitant to offer help when given the chance. Repentance is about self-discipline, admitting our mistakes, and determining not to repeat them. As one dissolves their attachment to the notion of self through cultivating humility and practicing repentance, they will gain clarity, peace, and joy in their body and mind. Therefore, in terms of correcting and reflecting on one's behavior and actions, humility is highly valued in Buddhist teachings. This is because repentance can arise from a sense of humility, leading one to correct the mistakes they made and apologize to others.

Having humility and practicing repentance is like lighting up a candle in a dark room to break through one's inner shadow. As the entrepreneur in the story reflected on his partnership with his friend, he realized that the lack of communication has led to his friend's misunderstanding. After this incident, he appreciated it as an opportunity for him to reflect on himself. As a result, he no longer put the blame on his friend. Furthermore, he not only saw the loss of clients and business interests as compensation for his friend, but also wished him well. From that point on, he let go of the burdens in his mind.
 
(Excerpted from How to Cope with the Betrayal of a Copartner? in the book Forgive and Let Go, to Form and Live in Favorable Conditions)


Scenario 4: He Abused My Love

I have given him my youth. God knows how much I sacrificed for him and our family. But he betrayed me so easily, leaving me to suffer alone. Will I ever find happiness again?

A lady in the field of education lost her husband due to an accident. While grieving, she inadvertently discovered her husband's long-term affair. Shocked and heartbroken, she had always believed they were close, with open and honest communication. Little did she know, the marriage she had invested so much in was already fractured.

Empathize with Your Partner – He is Only Human

An affair in marriage is like a devastating earthquake. From the cases I have heard of, I found that the greatest harm an affair causes is the destruction of trust and sense of security between partners.

The unfaithful partner often feels deep regret afterwards, and may seek to make amends, asking their spouse to forgive them. However, knowing they have lost their partner's trust, they may hesitate to ask for reconciliation, instead waiting for their partner to decide the fate of their marriage. The betrayed party might repetitively ask "why" as they intensely reevaluate their sacrifices and role in the relationship.

When confronting the issue of extramarital affairs, the most important thing is to safeguard our mind from disturbing emotions. Only with an undistorted mind can we honestly face ourselves, our partner, and the true state of our marriage.

From the perspective of Buddhist teachings, afflictions arise from causes and conditions; a vexed mind can heal when the right causes and conditions are present. Since causes and conditions are constantly changing, a misdeed does not define a person as inherently evil. Everyone possesses habitual tendencies that lead to ignorance and affliction, such as greed, aversion, ignorance, arrogance, and doubt. However, everyone also has the inherent ability to correct themselves. By practicing forgiveness and tolerance, we give the wrongdoer an opportunity to grow and correct their actions.

However, we do not forgive as if we were flawless benefactors granting a second chance to the wrongdoer. True forgiveness is given with an impartial and even mind that respects the differences between one another, tolerates the imperfection of both ourselves and others, and believes that everyone can make amends.

For the one who cheated, it is necessary to recognize and reflect on their mistake, feeling a genuine sense of shame and repent. Meanwhile, one must be responsible for their actions and contribute whatever they can in order to transform their distorted mindset. The purpose for the offender to take responsibility and make contributions is not about redeeming themselves, but to honor their partner for giving them the opportunity  to correct their wrongdoings.

Love Does Not Necessarily Require Reciprocal Return

During an interview with a famous writer, Master Sheng Yen was once asked: "If someone's wife has an extramarital affair and insists on leaving, how should they cope with it?" This is what the Master replied: "Love doesn't necessarily require reciprocal return. True love is about dedicating oneself. As she is his spouse, he should cherish her as such. If she loses feelings and doesn't want to come back, that's alright." The writer further asked: “Isn't it too stubborn of a person to keep waiting for someone that will never come back?" The Master replied: "It is beautiful. In terms of character, it is beautiful."

For every couple entering marriage, their original intention must have been to establish a harmonious relationship. There are different ways to deal with the shock caused by extramarital affairs, but whatever path the couples choose to take, they must be responsible for their decision. If both parties are committed to saving their marriage and take it as a test or a challenge where they manage to restore faith and trust, then the two will grow together through this experience.
 
(Excerpted from The Wisdom to Deal with Extramarital Affairs in the book Forgive and Let Go, to Form and Live in Favorable Conditions)
 

Scenario 5: An Unexpected Blood-shedding Incident

After being stabbed with a knife by someone for no reason, I never get back to a normal life ever since. Even though my body has recovered, I have been living under the shadow of fear and have even become a burden to my family. Is the rest of my life bound to be this miserable?

Compassion Arises from Empathy

In 2007, while passing by a riverside park on a bike, an associate professor of National Taiwan University was unexpectedly attacked by a former prisoner who had mental disorders. He later passed away despite the efforts of emergency treatment. After learning the news, his wife rushed to the hospital and whispered in his ear: "Let's forgive him, my love. Just focus your mind on the name of Amitābha Buddha for the rebirth in the Western Pure Land."

In the face of the sudden death of a family member, it is natural for the deceased's family to feel sorrow and grief. However, this lady spoke with equanimity, since she did not want her husband to be drawn by her emotions. What she hoped for was that her husband could let go of the incident and depart from this world free of hatred. After the incident, the entire community was stunned by her response to other outraged family members, professors, and students.

Empathy was her choice. The perpetrator in her eyes was not an unforgivable villain, but a person with impaired body and mind due to drug abuse and an upbringing lacking loving care – someone in need of emotional support from people like you and me. This lady held no grudges and resentment after the incident. Her hope was that her husband's death would raise public awareness to lend a helping hand to former prisoners in order to prevent similar tragedies from happening again.
 
(Excerpted from Minimize the Harm in the book Forgive and Let Go, to Form and Live in Favorable Conditions)

 
Scenario 6: I Can't Forgive Myself
  I know I could have done better to protect him and prevent this from happening. But why didn't I? My friends asked me to be more forgiving to myself, but I just can't do so whenever I recall the harm I have caused.

There was a mother whose three-year-old son accidentally fell out from a windowsill while she was occupied with receiving visiting relatives. Thanks to emergency treatment, her child survived. However, the damages to his appearance and vision have since left an indelible scar in her mind.

Over a decade later, the mother had never stopped blaming herself. She thereby became reclusive and isolated as she kept ruminating on the day of the incident, thinking: "Why did I place his bed by the window? If those relatives had not come, this incident wouldn't have happened ... " With continuous remorse, she was just unable to forgive herself.

Past events or memories are not necessarily associated with afflictions. However, afflictions will arise if we constantly immerse and drown ourselves in memories. When sinking into memories, our mind can give rise to emotions like fear, worries, and resentment. These are scattered and deluded thoughts arising from the state of mind, which has nothing to do with the event itself.

Afflictions Arise from a Chaotic State of Mind

From the perspective of Chan practice, ruminating over memory implies the disconnection of our body, mind, and surroundings. While our body is in one place, our mind can wander off somewhere else, giving little attention to our real life and surroundings. When the body and mind are disconnected, the state of mind becomes chaotic, and a chaotic mind is even less able to rest on the present moment. In this state, both the mind and body are out of control, and a life without a sense of balance leads only to uncertainty about the future.

However, it is difficult to change if the person involved is unwilling to confront the reality of the present moment. The mother in the story later learned Buddhist teachings. During a book club sharing session, with the intention of "helping other parents avoid the same mistake and suffering," she opened up about the emotional wounds buried deep in her mind. As she shared the story of struggles in her life, she turned the incident into an experience that people can learn from, which reminds parents of toddlers to be more mindful of child safety at home to prevent similar tragedies. After sharing her story, she felt a great sense of relief. Later, through Chan practice, sharing, and writing, she gradually alleviated the pain and resentment within, no longer allowing the mental burden to hinder her progress in life.

Such a journey of emotional healing cannot be accomplished overnight as it takes repeated practice of letting go. Every time we let go, the intensity of our emotions will become milder with new realizations emerging in our mind. In the face of setbacks, only through self-acceptance can we transform the pain and live in the moment, thereby getting back on our feet.

The Bodhisattva's practice of benefiting others as benefiting oneself can help us emerge from difficult times and redirect our life. As the lady shared about her journey of unshackling her mind: helping those who suffer understand that by facing the reality with sincerity and accepting ourselves, our pain can be transformed, and our future is still full of hope.

(Excerpted from Shedding the Burden of Self-Blame in the book Forgive and Let Go, to Form and Live in Favorable Conditions)


 


Resource: Issue 379 of Humanity Magazine (March 2015), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Translation: Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Claire (Scenario 1 - 3), Olivia (Scenario 4 - 6)
Illustrator: Liou Jian-jr (劉建志), ​Su Li-ka (蘇力卡)