[Introduction: Psychological Analysis] Forgiveness: Unraveling the Countless Knots in the Heart

Original Chinese text by Hsu Tsuei-gu (許翠谷)
  Repeated betrayals by business partners that result in losses amounting to tens of millions; being abandoned by one's biological mother; a partner's constant cheating; and bullying by peers … A life that seems calm on the surface can hide countless wounds – real pains we're often reluctant to face. How can we ease such overwhelming anger and sorrow? Does a wounded heart have a chance to heal? How can a broken relationship be mended?

When painful events occur, people often cope by denying and suppressing, or sinking into a state of dejection – avoiding the very feelings they're scared to confront. Psychologists have found that initial anger can be a healthy emotion. However, without taking actions to address it properly, the anger might transform into resentment, vengeance, and even a state of avoidance and suppression. Over time, it will become a torment on both the body and mind.

In response to such a situation, Thich Nhất Hạnh once suggested: "Sometimes when you're angry with someone – even after trying every method to transform that anger without success – the Buddha suggests giving that person a gift." Giving a gift to someone who's hurt you might sound a bit absurd or even contradictory. Yet when you're willing to offer that gift, your deep-seated pain can begin to transform, and this miraculous gift is what we call "forgiveness."

Forgiveness Is Not an End but a Beginning

Illustrator: Su Li-ka (蘇力卡)
"Forgiveness often comes from the desire to put an end to the pain, to heal from the hurt, and to move on." As Dr. Robert D. Enright, the renowned psychologist and professor of the University of Wisconsin, pointed out, the first step toward forgiveness is to recognize that you're angry and in pain, and to face it head-on.

Based on years of observation and research, Dr. Enright outlined a process of forgiveness that includes the four stages: "recognizing your anger," "deciding to forgive," "actively working on forgiveness," and "identifying emotional shackles and releasing them" as well as the twenty guiding indicators along the way. But he also confessed that the journey to forgive is long and intricate, with no one fixed path to follow.

Why is it so difficult and complicated to forgive? " Because forgiveness might touch deep wounds." Psychologist Su Shiuan-huei (蘇絢慧) explained that some hurts are immense and destructive, which may not only cause psychological trauma, but also impact one's very life. And the ensuing emotions might go beyond simple resentment but layers of emotions such as grievance and a sense of injustice.

An important aspect on this journey is learning to "live with the pain." Forgiveness requires ongoing effort, in which the person involved must revisit the painful memories as well as the process of being hurt repeatedly. Therefore, forgiveness is not a silver bullet solution that fixes the pain with everything at once, but a process that requires continuous change and the willingness to let go.

Lacking the nourishment of love – acceptance, empathy, compassion, and kindness – exacerbates the pain, leading to deeper resentment which thereby forms a vicious cycle. This is why in the cases of school bullying, the victim sometimes may eventually become bullies themselves.

The practice of forgiveness does not have a specific starting point. While most people may start from the person who hurt them the most, some may trace it back to their childhood or to their recent experiences. According to Dr. Enright, it is necessary to trace back to the original source of anger because "anger is like the weed among emotions, which must be completely uprooted. If one merely trims the visible parts, it will only make their anger grow back more vigorously from many other angles."

"Inability to forgive reflects one's inability to forgive oneself." Having spent years at the counseling room to accompany clients who constantly agonize and are caught in the cycle of forgiving and not forgiving, Su Shiuan-huei indicated: "The first step to forgiveness is to reconcile with ourselves. If not, it is impossible to truly be able to forgive someone else."

Forgive Ourselves before Forgiving Others

Just like many cases of extramarital affairs, even if the unfaithful partner repents and apologizes to them, the hurt party will repeatedly question: "Why did you hurt me?" This is largely because the wounded person is struggling to accept themselves; the betrayal shatters theirs sense of self-worth. The betrayal can cause confusion in their self-esteem, and choosing to continue trusting the cheater feels no different from treating themselves like a fool. The stronger the blow to one's self-esteem, the longer it takes to heal.

For self-healing to happen, the victims must recognize the affection and love from people around them as well as feel understood and comforted. But for some, their inner self is like a cracked jar, which still leaks no matter how much others pour into it. Therefore, it is necessary to look back at one's early life experiences.

Su shared her own experience as an example. Because her parents have been absent from her life for many years, she drifted from one household to another like a ball being kicked around at a young age. Out of the fear of abandonment, she learned to read the room, walking on eggshells with a grudge. "It leads to two results in the long run: I either ignore others' pain or reject the care and love from others." Not until a major personal loss that left her with nothing did she seek psychological counseling and group therapy. After around eight to ten years, she finally started her career in the field of psychotherapy, thereby helping both herself and others.

"Forgiveness is a journey to discover our inner self. It is not about healing the other's wounds, but about uncovering, accepting, and affirming our self." Su shared that the key to heal ourselves is to recognize that your life is yours to live and that you must take responsibility for it rather than blaming your family, your surroundings, or others. From that point on, she started practicing neither expecting others to fulfill her needs nor taking everything for granted. Slowly, she learned to practice gratitude, becoming willing to accept help and love from others. With that nourishment, the chance for transformation emerged.
 
Let Go of Victim Mentality

Perhaps some people may think that it is foolish to forgive. Furthermore, as long as they keep themselves in anger or pain, they can trap the perpetrators in an emotional cage or a sense of guilt. Some people also worry that they will leave the other person unscathed while fearing that they will be hurt again.

In fact, harboring resentment or grudges in our mind not only causes no harm to the other party, but tortures our own body and mind. "This is because forgiveness is our own task, not for the offenders'. Only when we are willing to forgive can we finally break free from the shadows of our past." Su pointed out that the key to forgiveness lies in "awakening" with the realization that no one else can be responsible for our very own lives. When we let go of the victim mentality, we will be able to regain the power to give ourselves a new lease of life. 


 


Resource: Issue 379 of Humanity Magazine (March 2015), Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Translation: Anne (麗萍), Li Siang-ling
Editing: Keith Brown, Anne (麗萍)
Illustrator: Su Li-ka (蘇力卡)