[Practice] Venerable Chang Ti on young people's confusion about love

Love is a part of life, and it is also a journey of understanding ourselves and one another.
How can we walk through life hand in hand with a companion, maintaining both intimacy and independence?
Venerable Chang Ti, who often accompanies young people in studying "Life Awareness,"
shares a Buddhist perspective on finding inner peace amidst the emotional experiences of love.

■ Venerable Chang Ti 常提法師 (Nung Chan Monastery Youth Group)

1. How can you know what kind of person is right for you? If you express your affection but the other person ignores you, what should you do?

To find out who is suitable for you, start by observing people in everyday life and learning through their interactions.
As the saying goes, "When there's no common ground, even a few words are too many." If your values don't align, it's hard to get along. If you feel at ease with someone and they seem right for you, it's still essential to share resonant values—a key foundation for modern young people to enter a romantic relationship.

I once met a boy who liked a girl on the team very much. As a Buddhist, he knew that love can be a form of clinging, but he couldn't stop thinking about her. He tried to reject these feelings, which only brought him more pain. So I said to him, "If you want to follow your values, then keep things as they are. But if you want to give it a try, be brave and tell her how you feel. See what she says."

If you express your feelings and the other person doesn't respond, accept it and affirm yourself: "I was really courageous." If they don't accept your proposal for a relationship, then let it go for the time being. After all, for a Buddhist, love is not everything. There are many other things in life worthy of our attention.

2. Some people enjoy online dating but don't want to enter into a real relationship. Why is that? And how can we overcome online dating addiction?

Nowadays, many people are drawn to online dating. On the one hand, it protects them from being hurt; on the other, it often reflects a lack of self-confidence. They would rather hide in the corner of the virtual world, quietly observing others, than meet them in person. Only when they see how others act do they respond. Emotional connection and care found online can soothe the heart. However, one may mistakenly believe that love is everything in life, when in fact such love appears only when the screen is on and disappears when it's turned off. When they're injured or sick, no one is there to accompany or care for them.

"Addiction" often arises from a lack of life goals and a sense of not knowing what to do. Only by engaging in real human relationships can one begin to understand oneself and find direction in life. In the virtual world, real-life circumstances are filtered out, and interactions are shaped by imagination. Even if it brings temporary comfort, it's not a grounded life. When one finally realizes the emptiness of such a life and decides to return to reality—whether it's eating, sleeping, working, or coming home—only through genuine human connection can the heart find true satisfaction.

3. How can we find a way to get along with our partner when facing rejection, criticism, demands, or even emotional blackmail?

Rejection, criticism, demands, and emotional blackmail can occur in any relationship—whether between parents and children, colleagues, close friends, or roommates. But why are they often amplified in romantic partnerships? That's because we always place especially high expectations on our partner—sometimes even unreasonable ones: "You should be the one who understands me most... How could you not understand me?"

As for the definition of "emotional blackmail," it involves one person initiating and the other person paying the emotional cost. If someone unilaterally criticizes or makes demands, it isn't yet emotional blackmail. When facing rejection, criticism, or demands, it's natural to feel a surge of emotions. But there's no need to respond immediately. First, try to understand what the other person is saying. Then, become aware of your own feelings, try to recognize both of your needs, and respond only after observing and empathizing with their situation. The worst outcome arises when emotions take over and intuition transforms into reaction. This approach usually leads to mutual harm.

There was a couple who practiced Buddhism together. One day, the girlfriend said angrily to her boyfriend, "I think you are just that kind of person!" The boy looked at her and said, "Well, maybe you know me better." The girl was left speechless. In this case, even in the quarrel, the boy partially agreed with her words, created some emotional distance, and offered space between them. By returning to a mindset of "supporting each other and respecting each other's choices," they were able to help one another better understand themselves and grow together.

4. My partner has violent tendencies, but I can't leave this relationship. Why is that?

When facing violence in an intimate relationship, a person may have many reasons for staying. They might think, "He is a good person. I can't bear to be cruel," or "It is okay. It is worth getting a little hurt for him." Whether or not someone leaves often depends on their determination and awareness. In many cases, mothers finally make the decision to leave only after seeing their children being harmed.

But what if you truly can't leave? If your partner threatens suicide or intends to hurt you, take some time to observe the situation carefully and begin thinking of a plan. When dealing with a dangerous partner, it's often safer not to end the relationship abruptly, since that could provoke serious harm. If someone around you is in this kind of situation, do your best to help them get out of harm's way.

5. If there is poor communication in a relationship, how can you evaluate whether to stay together or end it maturely?

It depends on what kind of "poor communication" you're dealing with. If emotional tension arises, you're able to see through the emotions and recognize them as a way to better understand yourself—and if both partners are still willing to support each other and grow together—then there is no need to separate. Instead, it becomes an opportunity to learn how to communicate more effectively.

However, if both partners feel that it is no longer suitable to continue being together—for example, if their values, life goals, and visions for an ideal life are too different and begin to interfere with each other's lives—then it may truly be time to separate.

How can you end a relationship with maturity? Thank the other person and offer your blessings—no matter what. In the beginning of love, boys are often attentive, and girls are thoughtful—those were happy memories. In the end, express gratitude for the care you received and sincerely wish them well.
Breaking up is difficult, but after it happens, keep living your own life well.

6. Sometimes, falling in love can make people lose themselves. They may become irritable or try to control their partner, as if they've turned into someone else. So how can we find ourselves again in a relationship?

The reason people often become irritable or controlling in a relationship stems from their desire to possess their partner exclusively. So, how can you stay connected to yourself in a relationship? First, understand that each person views life from their own perspective. Two people come together because they share certain similarities. Once together, it's important to maintain some distance to give each other space to be alone. Even in love, self-awareness is essential—without it, it’s easy to lose yourself in the relationship.

Meditation is a good practice that helps people calm down naturally, healthily, and safely, allowing them to be present with their own mind. Only when we know how to communicate with ourselves can we truly know how to communicate with others. Only when we know how to care for ourselves can we care for others. Spending just a little time every day in meditation can help prevent the mind from becoming chaotic, which can make it difficult to make the right decisions.
"I realize that I acted this way and made others uncomfortable." Express an apology and the genuine hope that it will not happen again. This kind of confession is what, in Buddhism, is referred to as "repentance." It means acknowledging your own mistakes, seeking forgiveness, genuinely working to improve yourself in daily life, and finally, offering heartfelt thanks to the other person.

7. After being betrayed by a partner, it can be difficult to enter a new relationship. How can you regain trust and a sense of security?

I once met a young couple who had a sweet relationship, a well-behaved child, and a happy family. One day, the husband met a female colleague at work. They became close over time and eventually entered into a relationship. After some time, the colleague asked him to acknowledge their relationship. The husband suddenly realized his family was at risk. He confessed to his wife, saying, "I made a mistake, but I don't want to lose you and our child. Will you forgive me?" Rationally, the wife could accept the situation, but emotionally, the pain was overwhelming. In the end, they agreed to separate.

After the husband's betrayal and expression of regret, he hoped to repair the damaged relationship. But how can the wife regain trust and a sense of security? She needs time to reflect and observe, and the husband must patiently wait for forgiveness. Over time, if the wife recognizes the value of his support, especially in raising their child together, she can also reflect on their shared goals as a family. If a common goal still exists, and both are willing to work toward it together, then she may choose to reinitiate dialogue and begin repairing the relationship—guided by "harmony in views" and "harmony in mind."

"Harmony of views" refers to shared perspectives, directions, and principles. For a couple, this means maintaining their family with care—communicating openly, coordinating thoughtfully, and finding common ground. By reaching consensus, they continue moving forward together. "Harmony of mind" means that both partners strive toward this consensus. They offer and accept feedback with a spirit of joy, appreciation, tolerance, and admiration.

8. In marriage, traditional roles often suggest that "men work outside and women stay at home." When family members from both sides offer unsolicited opinions, how should we respond?

A good marriage relies on open communication and mutual agreement. Couples should work together to find the most stable, practical, and comfortable way to live. Through ongoing dialogue, each partner recognizes the other's efforts and remains willing to adjust when things don't go as planned. Be careful not to impose traditional values on one another.

Both families may say, "We're doing this for your own good!" But it's important for the couple to express their consensus honestly and to communicate with understanding and gratitude.

Recently, I met a couple who had been married for several years but still had no children. Their parents kept urging them to have children. Eventually, the couple went for a health check, only to find that the husband was physically unable to have children. Summoning his courage, the husband wrote a letter to his mother-in-law: "I had always hoped to give my wife a complete family, but there's nothing I can do. I feel very sad." To his surprise, the mother-in-law replied with comfort: "What I hope for most is that you both live happily. Whether or not you have children doesn't matter." Only then did the couple realize that their parents had urged them out of a misunderstanding—they had thought the couple simply weren’t trying hard enough. But once the couple reached a consensus and shared their feelings honestly, they were met with blessings.

9. Is the ultimate goal of love to get married and start a family?

What is the ultimate goal of love? Everyone may have their own answer. We can reflect on it from two perspectives: the meaning of "love," and the meaning of "home." First of all, love is not everything in life—living well is even more important. In addition, the meaning of "home" is no longer what it used to be. A lady once said, "Home is where there are people and care." She noticed that in her parents' marriage, there was no care or concern—only responsibility. Although it was called a "home," she couldn't feel any warmth there. As a result, she chose not to marry and instead sought out places where she could feel warmth.

For example, partners in the monastery may be even closer than family members because they share the same beliefs and life direction. They hold common values and expectations about how they wish to live out the rest of their lives, which brings them together in a shared goal to guide others toward spiritual practice. Through this, they develop a deep and revolutionary bond. Moreover, they do not place expectations on one another as family members often do. Instead, there is a kind of caring with respectful distance—yet they are able to speak openly from the heart, support one another, and offer blessings. In the monastery, I have seen many such companions remain together until the end of their lives. It's quite remarkable. Perhaps this is what Master Sheng Yen referred to as "Dharma friendship."

10. How can we practice and grow together in a love relationship?

Practicing together in a relationship can help both partners grow, but it may also lead to criticizing each other due to the desire to possess the one they love. However, by respecting each other as independent individuals and cherishing the companionship shared in life, we can move beyond the need for possession and create greater freedom within intimate relationship.

Everyone is searching for themselves—making good use of love's power, continually discovering and accepting new circumstances, understanding one another, and going through life together. At this stage, love is only the beginning. Over time, it can evolve into gratitude, familial affection, or Dharma friendship, allowing life to move forward with greater steadiness. This is a healthier attitude.

For Buddhists, it's helpful to share the same belief. Because of love, we cultivate greater acceptance and tolerance, and that's a beautiful thing. (Interview and compilation by 林貞均 Lin Zhenjun)




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Resource: Issue 431 of Humanity Magazine, Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Photo: 李蓉生，Jean Li 
Translation: Christina 
Editing: Keith Brown, 演香法師