[Q&A] Speaking Well in Daily Life

After taking a course on speech from the Buddha and the great patriarchs, in many different times, places, and situations of real life, do you find yourself wondering when to speak, when not to speak, and how best to speak?
 
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Q1: False speech creates negative karma of the mouth, so is it okay to tell a well-intentioned lie?

Among the Five Precepts is the precept against false speech, and Buddhists all know they shouldn’t lie. But in certain exceptional situations, people often feel they have no choice but to lie. For example, if a family member has a terminal illness, we may worry that telling them the truth will frighten them and cause them to lose the will to live, so we reassure them that it’s just a minor ailment that treatment will cure. This kind of “white lie” or “well-meaning lie” is called an “expedient falsehood.” It’s meant to benefit the other person, using kind words to gently deceive them.
 
A well-known example is the idiom “gazing at plums to quench thirst.” This comes from a story during the Three Kingdoms period. Cao Cao (曹操) was leading his troops into battle, and along the way, his soldiers grew so thirsty that they no longer wanted to march on. Worried, Cao Cao thought of a plan and called out, “Look! Just ahead is a large plum grove, heavy with fruit. The plums are big and sour, perfect for quenching thirst.” Hearing this, the soldiers’ mouths watered, and their thirst was forgotten. Everyone quickened their pace and pressed forward.

Doctors, too, sometimes use similar approaches to gain a patient’s cooperation and improve their condition, and parents may occasionally tell a “white lie” to coax a child into eating. These kinds of lies really can be effective. They can help others, spare them embarrassment, and even bring them joy.
 
Q2: Is there anything wrong with speaking bluntly and telling the plain truth?
 
People often say, “I’m just a straight talker, I don’t beat around the bush,” or “I only say what’s true, I’m not here to flatter anyone.” In principle, there’s nothing wrong with speaking the truth. But the truth, however accurate, can be the most hurtful thing of all, especially between spouses or family members, since closeness often causes us to overlook basic respect and courtesy. For instance, we often hear spouses criticize each other: “You dress so sloppily, you look like such a frumpy housewife,” or “You’re already this overweight and still can’t control yourself.” Even if these statements are factually true, they wound the other person’s dignity, so words like these are best left unsaid. Some people speak just as bluntly even to complete strangers, hurting others without realizing it. This is why we’re often told, “Think before you speak.”

Master Sheng Yen often reminded his students to consider the timing before opening their mouths, to be sparing and careful with words, and to train themselves: “Pause to think before the words leave your mouth. Slow down before you speak.”

Dr. Lu Li-an (呂俐安), a clinical psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry at Taipei Veterans General Hospital, points out that when it comes to telling the truth, some people believe they’re simply being honest, or think they’re only joking, without realizing they’ve already hurt someone. Children in particular may feel confused: didn’t the adults say to always be honest? If they’re just being truthful about their feelings, why are they being scolded? Honesty is a basic principle of being a good person; our inner thoughts and outward words should match. But what we say still needs to take the other person’s feelings into consideration. It should come from a heart full of loving care, not be spoken carelessly and without thought. Only this way can we avoid hurting each other’s feelings, and thus be truly considered wise. Words themselves are neither good nor bad; it all depends on one’s wisdom in using them. Used well, they help us communicate. Used poorly, they create suffering for others.
 
Q3: What’s the difference between loving speech and frivolous speech?
 
Everyone loves to hear praise. A wife, for example, loves to hear sweet words from her husband, because they bring her joy. But sometimes, when we speak words of comfort or agreement to please someone else, even we ourselves can feel a strange unease, as if we’re “going against our own conscience.”

As for how to tell whether we’re lying to someone, Master Sheng Yen pointed out that the standard lies in our own underlying intention. Some people have honeyed tongues, saying things that sound wonderful on the surface, but underneath are full of sarcasm; that is, saying one thing while meaning another simply to achieve some goal. This kind of scheming, deceptive behavior is not something to be encouraged. It’s what’s meant by the phrase “honey on the lips, a sword in the belly”. Furthermore, this is the kind of frivolous, flattering speech that ends up causing harm.

Praise that comes from a sincere heart is different. This belongs to the category of “loving speech.” For example, a woman may not be a great beauty, but if the person speaking genuinely admires her and truly finds her lovely, and says from the heart, “You look wonderful today, so full of energy,” this is a word of encouragement that brings genuine joy, and anyone would be glad to receive it. It isn’t flattery or empty charm.
 
How do we tell the difference between frivolous speech and loving speech? The former is certainly insincere, and will ultimately harm both the speaker and the listener. The latter comes from compassion and sincerity, spoken with genuine humility, and always with appropriate measure and courtesy, so the listener feels respected. Even when it takes the form of gentle admonishment, it still leaves the other person feeling warmed inside.
  
Q4: Is it really so wrong just to make a joke?
 
Buddhists don’t need to be stern and humorless all the time. A well-timed touch of humor can ease a tense atmosphere or draw people closer together, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Many eminent masters, when teaching the Dharma to practitioners, will occasionally weave in a bit of humor, making listeners feel at ease and helping them see that studying Buddhism can be a joyful thing.
 
However, if a joke doesn’t come from genuine goodwill---that is, if it repeatedly pokes at someone’s sore spot, uses coarse or vulgar language, or hides cutting sarcasm beneath a veneer of politeness-- it’s unlikely to earn a laugh. In fact, it may well backfire, leaving the listener uncomfortable or, in serious cases, resentful. Worse still, if the listener says they feel hurt and is then mocked for being “too sensitive,” this mistakes mockery and bullying for humor. A joke taken too far can create ill will with others without the speaker even realizing it.
 
The Noble Eightfold Path taught by the Buddha clearly identifies false speech, divisive speech, frivolous speech, and harsh speech as harmful to spiritual practice. Master Sheng Yen also reminds us in his book “100 Gathas of Buddhist Wisdom” that “language is both a moral act and a form of art. Used appropriately, it can elevate a person’s character and win others’ appreciation.” Even with our closest family and friends, we should still think carefully before speaking, avoiding coarse, vulgar, or careless language, and above all avoid taking pleasure in putting others down. Otherwise, we betray both morality and art at once.

Q5: When we mean well and comfort someone by saying “life is impermanent,” “you should let go,” or “this is how causes and conditions work,” why doesn’t it land?

When Buddhists use Buddhist language and concepts like “impermanence,” “causes and conditions,” or “letting go,” the original intention is good: to share the Dharma or offer comfort. But if we fail to patiently listen to the other person first, to notice their state of mind and what they truly need, and to put ourselves in their shoes, and instead rush to hand them Buddhist concepts, it can end up sounding hollow or preachy.
 
As for terms like “karmic cause and effect” or “karmic obstruction,” since the general public often only half understands ideas about karmic causality and karmic forces, these terms have taken on negative connotations through widespread misuse. Said to someone who is currently suffering or facing misfortune, such words can make them feel blamed or accused of having done something wrong in the past. Not only does this fail to comfort them, it may provoke rejection or resentment instead.
 
Professor Hsu Wen-yao (許文耀) of the Department of Psychology at National Chengchi University points out that speakers should first examine their own motivation for speaking: The speaker shouldn’t be too self-centered, assuming that whatever feels good to them must be good for the other person too. And if the words spoken are merely a social nicety, lacking real sincerity or genuine concern, then even pleasant-sounding words can end up hurting someone.

When someone needs comfort, our words should express our genuine wish to accompany them through their pain. If we can appropriately use Buddhist concepts to help them find peace, that truly is the best kind of blessing. But we should avoid assuming we know better, or lecturing others under the guise of wisdom. Simply being present, listening, and responding with sincerity is often the greatest comfort we can offer.
 
Q6: When someone makes a mistake, does pointing it out count as harsh speech? But if we say nothing, aren’t we just enabling the problem? How do we find the right balance?
 
“To err is human; who among us is without fault?” Within any group, close contact naturally makes it easy to notice others’ shortcomings or mistakes. Buddhist sutras and precepts record that the Buddha taught his disciples that members of a monastic community living together should “instruct and admonish one another in turn,” helping each other grow. At the same time, the Buddha taught that admonishing others should follow five considerations, known as the “Five Virtues of Pointing Out Faults”:

1. Knowing the right moment, not the wrong one: choose an appropriate time and setting to offer correction and admonishment. For instance, it should not be done in front of a crowd, to spare the other person embarrassment.

2. Being truthful, not speaking falsehood: confirm that the person has genuinely made a mistake, rather than relying on hearsay or a one-sided account.

3. Aiming to benefit, not to diminish: the goal is to benefit the other person by helping them improve and correct their ways, not to attack or hurt them.

4. Being gentle, not harsh: use soft language and a gentle manner, avoiding coarse, heavy, or unkind words.

5. Acting from compassion, not anger: the intention should be to relieve suffering and bring joy with loving-kindness, not to vent one’s own emotions or frustrations.
 
Master Sheng Yen also once shared: “The way we speak to one another should be through discussion and encouragement, never through commands or accusations.” Being accused makes a person feel disrespected.

So when we notice someone else’s shortcomings, we should try to avoid conflict and not create difficulties for either side. If we do see it as a flaw, we can treat it as a mirror, a reminder to ourselves not to become the same way. We might also gently point it out to the person and offer suggestions, but without being accusatory or forcing them to change. As the Master also reminded us, “If the other person cannot accept it, then we should simply accommodate them. Being able to accommodate others is itself a form of personal growth.”

Related articles: 

Speak Well, Speak Right

【The Basics】The Buddha’s Teachings on Speech I

【The Basics】The Buddha’s Teachings on Speech II

[Q&A] Speaking Well in Daily Life



Resource: Issue 418 of Humanity Magazine, Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Photo: 菊子
Translation: Anne Yeow 姚麗萍
Editing: Keith Brown, Patricia Yang