Illness: Guiding the Direction of Your Life

Having lived through illness, Hui-Tzu Chen 陳慧慈 (Consultant at the Buddhist Lotus Hospice Care Foundation) is filled with gratitude. She sees this as a lesson given to her by the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, teaching her to be more compassionate, empathize with others' physical suffering, and learn how to care for others.

■  Hui-Min Chiu (邱惠敏)

I was waiting for my guest in a conference room at the Buddhist Lotus Hospice Care Foundation. When I looked up, I saw Hui-Tzu Chen (陳慧慈) slowly making her way toward me, limping slightly as she walked. She smiled and explained that she was having a problem with her leg. She viewed this problem as a “new lesson given by the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas”. Most people instinctively resist illness and suffering. But Hui-Tzu Chen had a very different way of looking at it. In her late 60s, she had spent her entire life living with illness. She has made a vow to be the person who cares for others rather than the person who needs to be cared for, even when she herself is sick.

She Lost Her Hearing in Childhood, But Never Lost Her Spark

“I speak loudly because my left ear couldn’t hear anything since I was a child.” Hui-Tzu Chen was born deaf in her left ear. Because of this, her father took special care to train her pronunciation so that she could speak clearly. Although there was nothing visibly different about her, she was still teased by her classmates and treated differently by her teachers. She recalled, “I felt gloomy during elementary school. But it wasn't until junior high that my life seemed to awaken, and I stopped caring about what others thought of me.” Losing the hearing in her left ear didn’t stop Hui-Tzu Chen from loving music. In fact, she even specialized in playing the guzheng (Chinese zither). During junior high school, she became more active in various activities. She could be seen taking part in everything from speech competitions and choirs to conducting a Chinese orchestra. “My sister said I was walking with a swagger at school!” Hui-Tzu Chen also had exceptional abacus skills. Her ability was so impressive that the day after she took her high school graduation exam and even before she had officially received her diploma, she received a job offer from a bank. However, she was not happy with the idea of spending her life dealing with numbers and money every day.
 
At the age of twenty-two, Hui-Tzu Chen was given an opportunity that would change the course of her life. Her uncle, Rong-Ji Chen (陳榮基), who worked at National Taiwan University Hospital (NTUH), encouraged her to take the hospital’s entrance examination. She took his advice and achieved the highest overall score, earning a position in the hospital’s Nursing Department as an administrative secretary in pediatrics.

Although she was not part of the frontline nursing staff, seeing the young patients always tugged at her heartstrings. Whenever she had the chance, she would tell Buddhist stories and sing Buddhist songs to the sick children. She made a vow: “I hope I can help them minimize the pain caused by their illness. If possible, I am willing to share their suffering.” That wish, quietly held deep within her heart, would gradually shape the path of Hui-Tzu Chen’s life.

She Felt the Suffering of Illness and Became a Nun to Dedicate Herself to Service

As she spent more time accompanying children in the pediatric ward, Hui-Tzu Chen increasingly became aware of her own limitations. She recalled, “At that time, my hearing surgery had failed. My ears would discharge pus, my head buzzed all day, and I almost got meningitis. I eventually decided to give up further treatment. This indirectly led me to attend a Buddhist college.” After the failed surgery, Hui-Tzu Chen had psychosomatic symptoms. The head nurse at the time took her to a temple to listen to Buddhist teachings in the hope of easing her discomfort and anxiety. After attending several activities, she gradually found a sense of peace and stability through her faith. At the age of twenty-seven, she quit her job and went to Kaohsiung to study at the Fo Guang Shan Chinese Buddhist Research Institute. That same year, she decided to be ordained.
 
The Chinese Buddhist Research Institute focused primarily on training Buddhist teachers. Hui-Tzu Chen studied under Venerable Tzu Hui (慈惠法師), who was then the head of the College of Education. She devoted herself wholeheartedly to monastic education and organized numerous Dharma propagation activities. However, her own health continued to deteriorate. She frequently suffered from stomach aches and diarrhea, and her voice often became hoarse. On one occasion, she fell and developed numbness in her leg, resulting in a limp. She said, “Besides being busy, I am also very good at enduring pain.” She ignored her body’s warning signs until, one day, her uncle, Rong-Ji Chen, brought the scholars to visit Fo Guang Shan and took the opportunity to visit her as well. He urged her to go to the hospital for a thorough examination. After undergoing a series of examinations, she was diagnosed with acid reflux and a herniated disc that was compressing her nerve. She subsequently began treatment.

“I knew that there was something seriously wrong with my body. If I wanted to continue using this body to repay the Buddha's kindness, I had to make a decision.” Hui-Tzu Chen then chose to renounce her vows and return home to recuperate. At first, she thought the problem was simply related to her stomach. That changed when Dr. Tsung-Cheng Huang (黃宗正) asked her about her condition. After listening carefully to her symptoms, he urged her to make an appointment with a specialist and arrange further examinations as soon as possible. She was diagnosed with rectal cancer at the age of thirty-eight.

She Completed the Treatment, and Her Heart Was Filled with Gratitude

After receiving her diagnosis, Hui-Tzu Chen walked into her uncle Rong-Ji Chen’s office to tell him that she had rectal cancer. “I was not panicked when I found out I had cancer. But when I heard my uncle say, ‘Let’s face it together,’ I couldn’t stop crying. At that moment, I knew I was not alone,” she recalled. The surgery went smoothly. But for Hui-Tzu Chen, postoperative chemotherapy and radiotherapy were just the beginning of the real test.

She went on to undergo a total of 41 chemotherapy sessions and 27 radiotherapy sessions, each one leaving her physically exhausted and deeply uncomfortable. “I was very grateful that my father accompanied me to every treatment. He would hold my weak hand and walk slowly with me to take a taxi. My mother is not a vegetarian, but she prepared organic vegetarian dishes for me. They both helped me tremendously when I needed them the most,” she said. To ease the anxiety that followed each treatment, Hui-Tzu Chen turned to her faith. Through performing prostrations to the Buddha, she sincerely repented for all the wrongdoings she had committed in the past. Subsequently, she gradually found peace within herself and gained the strength to face the next stage of her life.

The chemotherapy and radiotherapy, combined with the removal of more than ten centimeters of her rectum, resulted in intestinal adhesions which affected the function of her lower digestive tract. Abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting became part of her daily life. At her worst, she experienced abdominal pain and diarrhea 30 to 40 times a day, making even the simplest daily activities extremely difficult. Whenever she went out, whether taking public transportation or simply walking in a park, she had to be prepared to rush to the nearest bathroom whenever sudden abdominal pain struck. For the past 28 years, she has needed to wear pads every day and has also struggled with anal inflammation.

Hui-Tzu Chen has never complained about the inconvenience caused by her illness. Instead, she expressed gratitude for the invention of bidet toilets and sanitary pads, which made her daily life easier. After years of treatment, the frequency of her diarrhea gradually decreased. More than ten years ago, she was still experiencing diarrhea more than 20 times a day, down from the 30 to 40 episodes she had once endured. With the help of traditional Chinese medicine, the frequency has decreased even further. When abdominal pain becomes so intense that she feels faint, it may be followed by back pain, headaches, or dizziness. In those moments, Hui-Tzu Chen encourages herself with the words: “You’ve worked so hard. You’re amazing! You’ve made it through again. Tomorrow will be even better.”

She Left No Regrets and Dedicated Herself Wholeheartedly

When Rong-Ji Chen began preparing to establish the Buddhist Lotus Hospice Care Foundation, he invited Hui-Tzu Chen to join him and help with the foundation’s work. She readily agreed. Some might wonder why she chose to devote herself to hospice care instead of stepping back to focus on her own health.
 
While working at NTUH, she had once met a young girl with leukemia. Hui-Tzu Chen often told this young girl Buddhist stories. Later, the girl went to the United States for treatment and mailed Hui-Tzu Chen a photograph of a snowman she had taken there. Hui-Tzu Chen never responded. By then, she had been ordained and was busy with her studies and various activities. When she eventually heard news about the girl again, she learned that the young girl had passed away. The realization left her with a deep sense of regret.

“I told myself that I would do my best not to have a similar regret again.” From then on, whenever the foundation received calls from cancer patients or their families, Hui-Tzu Chen would make sure to respond by phone or arrange to meet them in person. She shared her own experiences and encouraged them to find the courage to face their treatment. At the same time, she actively facilitated training courses for clinical Buddhist religious teachers. “Faith can have tremendous power. Especially at the end of life, spiritual guidance is needed to help those who are at the point of death and their loved ones find peace and learn to let go.”

“I never thought about becoming a full-time volunteer from being a part-time volunteer. I initially helped establish the foundation’s administrative procedures and other essential operational systems. Later, drawing on my experience in organizing courses, events, and administrative operations, I took on the role of Executive Director and led the foundation’s ongoing activities and operations”. Once again, she was very happy to be busy. Due to her illness, she began a new chapter in her life, and she was able to draw upon Buddhist teachings to care for people in need.
 
Severe osteoporosis caused by chemotherapy required her to take hormones for an extended period and undergo regular medical check-ups. At the beginning of this year (editor’s note: 2023), she discovered a small lump in her breast. “Fortunately, it was stage 0 breast carcinoma in situ, which only required surgical removal,” she said.  Her old leg injury has now returned as well, but she remains optimistic: “I have always believed that where there is Buddhism, there is a way.” The Four Steps for Handling a Problem taught by Master Sheng Yen--- face it, accept it, deal with it, and let it go-- have become her guiding principles whenever she faces illness. As long as she can keep a grateful heart and continue using her life to care for others, Hui-Tzu Chen believes that her life has not been lived in vain.


Related articles: 

Finding Health and Peace in Illness

Wisdom in Illness

Buddha Teaches Us How to Care for the Sick: Five Practices for Tending to the Sick

Unconstrained by illness, the mind remains at ease

Receiving Karmic Results, Fulfilling Vows, and Vowing Anew

Illness: Guiding the Direction of Your Life



Resource: Issue 481 of Humanity Magazine, Dharma Drum Publishing Corporation
Photo: Venerable Chang Duo (常鐸法師)
Translation: Brenda
Editing: Keith Brown, Patricia Yang